"Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love."
~1 Corinthians 13:13~***"And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!"
~Matthew 25:40~
Three months. Three months isn’t a great deal of time…but
for me, the last 3 months have marked some of the longest of my 22 years. Three
months ago, I stood on stage with a pounding heart and gave myself to a Godly
man. I committed to walk life alongside him, to honor him, serve him, and love
him. When I spoke those words before a
sanctuary of witnesses, I knew they were weighty words. I knew they were
important and life changing. I knew I was making a promise for the good, the
bad, and the ugly. What I didn’t know was that I was making the decision to be weak,
broken, and challenged as I had never been before. I didn’t know how often and how drastically I
would fail to uphold these vows. I didn’t know that I was opening myself to a
time of deep pain and complete exposure. I would’ve said that I knew… but I certainly
didn’t understand. In the last three months, my dirtiest, most hidden filth has
broken through the surface of my heart and spilled into the view of not only
myself, but of my husband. I have done and said the most hurtful things perhaps
of my entire life. I have deeply wounded my husband and my Heavenly Father and
chosen to reject the forgiveness of both time and time again. After all the
planning, lace, and sparkles floated away, I found myself…disappointed.
Disappointed in myself for desiring to be a wife for so long and then being
horrible at it...disappointed in God for “making” me believe in the beauty of
something and then leaving me hanging. It has been HARD. I share these things
not because I am itching to air my dirty laundry, because I want to bash
marriage, or because I am proud of where my heart has been the last three
months. I share these things because they are not the end of the story. I share
them because my heart is aching to be honest, to speak to hearts and break
through the world’s shallow perceptions of not only marriage, but life and our
lack of contentment with it. If there is one word I believe God wants to teach
me right now, it is contentment. For 22 years, I have been overwhelmed by the
desire for the next step: As a child, I wanted to be a teenager. As a teenager,
I couldn’t wait to be a college girl. As a college girl, I believed I was far
past ready to be married. As a new bride, I still ache for more: when will we have
a more wide-spread ministry? When we will have a better marriage? When will we be
parents? When can we adopt? On…and on…and on. Time and time again, I allow my
thoughts and my fears to rage, controlling my “trust” in God and my willingness
to rest in His providence. All this time, my Father has been whispering to my
heart, “Rest in me. Trust my goodness. Rest.” My stubborn, controlling, sinful
heart has said that I trust Him, and yet I take things into my own hands again
and again. Marriage hasn’t been all of what I expected it to be….but God is
using it to make me beautiful and to make Himself known to me. I often miss the
days when I was independent…when I didn’t have to need another person. I could
come as go as I wanted, have time with God without the possibility of someone
walking into the living room at anytime, and pour myself out in ministry
endlessly. Marriage is hard and messy and refining….and beautiful. I am excited to watch God be glorified as our marriage continues to grow. I am deeply
loved by an incredible man of God. I have a partner, a constant listener and
encourager. I have the opportunity to love and encourage my husband and to grow
beneath him and alongside him. Most of all, I have the opportunity to seek and
know my God in ways I have not before. If you are at the time in your life where you
are single, enjoy it. Love it. Soak it up! How blessed you are to have these
sweet years of intimacy with God! Not that marriage takes away intimacy with
God, but it is a time of adjustment and learning how to seek God separately and
alongside your spouse. If you are married without children….love it! Soak it
up! Go for spontaneous ice cream dates at 11pm, travel, minister! If you are
married with children, if you are 50 and single, if you are 89….LOVE it. Soak
it up! It is true that no matter the life stage we are in, there will be
something to miss when the next stage comes and some things that are less than
ideal. Too often, we are so set on looking and dreaming ahead that we miss what
God is doing now and what He has already done My God is wise. He is love and
His plans for His children are good. No matter where I am (or am not) in life,
it is my new mission to thank Him always…thank Him for the hard and the
opportunities to grow. Thank Him for the good, the exciting, the fulfilled
dreams, the new dreams… and the dreams that are to die off. He IS good. He IS
worthy. It is only in knowing Him that we know anything good…and through Him,
wherever He leads is brimming with blessing.
"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
I sit here in awe of Your love for me.
You are a giver of such good gifts and now you have given me the gift
of a husband-to-be, of coming marriage. I never could have fathomed
the beauty, pain, or blessing of Your plan. For years, I longed to
glimpse this piece of Your beautiful plan for my life...and now I
see. I see the intentions of the man who will be my husband. I see
the integrity, honor, and character you have grown in him for 22
years. I see the way he loves me. I see his dimples, hear his
laughter, and squeeze his hand. I see that Your plan for my life
includes becoming one with an incredible man after Your own heart. I
see....and yet I still see so little. You have done so much, and yet
You have so much left to do! There is so much I still do not
see....but for so long now, I have seen that You are good. Marriage
will be such a leap of faith for me. It means I must continue
becoming less and less. It means I must sacrifice myself and my
desires more each day than the day before. It means I must admit
failure, seek forgiveness, and forgive all the more. It means I have
the terrifying honor of handing over my patched-together trust and
fragile heart. I need You more than ever. Give us a marriage instead
of just a wedding. In the times when we are drowning beneath the wave
of demand for frills, dollar signs, and selfishness, lock our gaze
on You. Grow us in the months to come more than ever before. May the
outpouring of our hearts and attitudes before, during, and after this
wedding brilliantly reflect You. Thank You, Father, for this amazing
man I will call my husband. Thank you for being near and sustaining
me through the years of painful waiting. Prepare me to be the woman
of God who can complete this man in Your image. May the wonder and
awe of this gift be only beginning and may it grow only greater for Your glory with time.
Two years ago, I began writing letters to my future husband. I had heard of someone else doing this and figured it would be a good outlet for my explosive desire for a man. At first, I wrote fairly frequently. But as time marched on, I realized that I was writing to my non-existent husband nearly as much as I would journal or write to God. Rather than helping me control my desire for the future, my 'husband journal' was fueling my desire as it became an outpouring of my impatience. When I realized this, I stopped writing all together for a while and then slowly began writing again, though very rarely. As I look back through these letters, they put into words the heart of a girl who has felt alone, overcome by desire for the future, and unable to be beautiful and cherished until paired with an earthly man. Although the letters often contained phrases such as "But God's timing is perfect and I will wait patiently," they were written more out of an obligation than a true trust in God's hand on my life. The last several months, God has been doing so much work in me. He is renewing my mind and rewriting my heart. Today, I wrote my future husband for the first time in a long while. It wasn't until I was signing my name at the end of the letter that I realized how different this letter was from the others. Rather than telling my husband how desperately I wanted to know who he was, I told him how peaceful I am. Rather than crying out because I want him to be here to make me beautiful, I was able to tell him that I AM beautiful and look forward to the day when I can share that beauty....CHRIST's beauty....with one special man. This letter spoke of God's faithfulness rather than my own impatience. This change happened so quietly, so unseen...but it did not go unnoticed. My heart is brimming with so much peace. Not peace because I know the truth in my head, but peace because the truth is consuming my heart from the inside out. God is so faithful! How could I want anything more that what my Father is doing at this very moment? If I skip a single moment, a single joy, a single hurt, I would be ripping holes in His precious painting. I am resting in His providence while running in His will, I am finding His peace while searching in His heart, and I am falling in love with my true beloved while standing tall on His promises each and every day. Do I still fail? Oh yes! Far too often to count. But I am learning to ooo and aaa over the Artist's work rather than grabbing His hand in desperation, attempting to make the painting turn out how I want it to. Day by day, miracle by miracle,tear by tear, joy by joy, I watch my Father painting something more beautiful than my simple mind can ever comprehend!
Valentine's Day has always been a special day in my family. My siblings and I would awake in the morning to find the dining room decorated, gifts and candy at each of our places at the table, and pink pancakes or some other special breakfast. We would all exchange the Valentines we had made for each other and it was always just a fun and special day growing up. This year was my first year to not be home for Valentine's Day, and I therefore experienced it in a very different way. I was on my college campus which was covered with couples oohing and ahhing over flowers and chocolates, or an occasional "single" attempting to conceal the heartbreak. As I surveyed all this going on around me, I thought about my own status. Do I have a significant other? Nope. But was I feeling depressed on this day set aside to celebrate romance? Nope! Hmm....actually, I felt exceptionally peaceful and joyful--even more than usual! The more I thought about, I just couldn't help but grin and laugh out loud. Why in the world would I be depressed? What is Valentine's Day to the world anyway? It is a day to reflect on love, spend time with your beloved, and share special gifts that express that love. I realized that as the daughter of the King, I get to live Valentine's Day every day! On a daily basis, I learn more and more of my Beloved's love for me. He sends me gift after gift in both the simplest and most extravagant ways each and every day. I get to experience His wonderful and glorious presence inside me 24/7. I get to spend a lifetime getting to know Him better, sharing His heart. What the world so often times calls love is simply emotion-based. It can disappear with one rough day, one misunderstanding, or a simple change of feelings. We as the Body don't have to fear God's affection for us dying, fading physical beauty, or failing emotions. THIS, my friends, is true love!
I've always been drawn to dancing. It's not that I am willing to break out moves in public, but I have always dreamed of being that beautiful girl in that beautiful dress being twirled around the dance floor in the arms of her true love. Recently, that image has become a powerful parallel in my life. Now, I do believe that we can be guilty of making God too human, molding Him into something or someone who fits who we are and what we want. However, I also believe that God uses things that are special, meaningful, and unique to us to give us glimpes of who He is. A couple months ago, I was really struggling with self-worth. I felt unloved, unlovable, and just plain not good enough. One night while I was praying, I asked God to pour out truth in my life. I wanted to be keenly aware of His love for me, His delight in me, and my worth in His eyes. That night, a picture came into my mind. There was a big room with a beautiful wooden dance floor. In the middle of the room, Jesus stood gently calling me over to Him. At first I wouldn't go, but when I did, I let Him embrace me and begin to twirl me around the room. As I looked up, into His eyes, I couldn't believe the love for me that rested there. It wasn't a love because He thought I was perfect. It was a love that has seen every bit of my filth and still loved me deeper than I could fathom. That picture stuck in my heart. A few weeks later, I found myself really struggling with jealousy. I looked at the women around me who had a man daily telling them they were beautiful and cherished. I wanted that reassurace so badly and found that I was being easily distracted from my identity in Christ. When I realized this, an addition was made to my dancing picture. Now, instead of it just being me and Jesus on the dance floor, there were couples dancing all around us. Everytime I felt myself being distracted by or jealous of a couple, I would add them to the dance floor. The amazing thing is, as my Jesus spun me amidst all these other people, I couldn't take my eyes off of Him. So many distractions surrounded me, but the love and care in the eyes of Jesus made it too hard to look away! Each time I am tempted to feel unloved, each time I find myself being bothered by or becoming jealous of others, I close my eyes and find myself dancing with my Savior. My dance partner, my Jesus, will never fail me. Whether I am having a bad hair day, say the wrong thing at the wrong time, am running late, or am just plain not fun to be around, He chooses me. He calls me over, takes me into His arms, and dances with me to the beautiful and endless song of His love. Today, I listened to a song that I had heard a long time ago but had forgotten about. As I listened to the words, I was in absolute awe. The lyrics of the song were speaking my heart...perfectly. I am taken...I am in love....I am captivated.
Something I have been struggling with lately can be especially hard to figure out because I know it is a God-given struggle. When it comes to guy/girl relationships, I will be the first to explain why we are the way we are. God made women with a desire to be loved, cared for, and protected by a man. We want to be able to rest in the arms of an earthly man who loves us and tells us we are beautiful. If the family always worked the way God created it to, it would be much easier to have this need met. We girls would be loved and protected by our daddies until Prince Charming rode in, received our dad's blessing, and took over the role of that man in our lives. In the process, a picture is created of submission and Christ's love for His bride. However, humans have horribly distorted this picture. These days, it feels like it is somewhat of a rarity to find a young girl who is able to be in her daddy's arms until she marries. I cannot imagine the sorrow our King feels when he sees the picture of His relationship with His bride totally destroyed. Instead of families, we have single parenting. Instead of daddy-daughter love and protection, we have girls running into the arms of any man who shows them attention. So many girls are being robbed of the time in daddy's arms. Instead, they are left with a burning desire in their hearts to have the love and protection of a man in their life. Being a child of divorce, these struggles are my struggles. Even though I can give lectures on why I feel the way I do, it doesn't lessen the pain. Thankfully, my relationship with Christ has kept me from running into the arms of the wrong men. God kept me from this even before I had a relationship with him that ruled my life. Another blessing is the fact that God has given me the gift of a restored relationship with my dad. We lost about 11 years of having a strong relationship, but God is the true Healer! Yet, I will again say that the pain is not gone. My dad lives 10 hours away and I have not been able to have what every girl was designed to have. Some days, it is unbearably hard to see so many girls around me resting in the arms of an earthly guy. I think of the comfort and protection they must feel and I long for what they have. I get lonely. I want to know that somebody thinks I'm beautiful or simply that I am good enough for somebody...a man. I feel like I fight daily for my heart, but see the ones giving themselves away being the ones who are rewarded. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I am always able to come back to the Truth. I know that these girls are lacking the only thing that will truly fulfill them. I know that I have the joy and peace of still owning some of the most valuable treasures God has given me--my heart and my purity. When I say purity, I don't just mean physical purity, although that is a very, very valuable treasure. I am also talking about the purity of my heart. Women are much more emotional beings than men are. Every time a woman gets into a deep relationship with a guy, it is like gluing cardboard to cardboard. When they are ripped apart, fibers of each one is left stuck to the other. So many girls think that they can give their heart away but take it back once they want to give it to another man. This is so untrue and so heartbreaking to watch. Someday, I want to stand at the alter with a man who is getting every fiber of my heart. I want him to be the worthy knight who won my heart and now has that entire treasure to himself. Sometimes, guarding my heart feels like missing out on so much: security, "love," assurance, etc. Yet, I am constantly reminded of the great blessing that awaits me and all girls who are willing to save all of themselves for that worthy man. Yes, the wait is painful sometimes. But someday, the reward will far outweigh the pain of waiting. Plus, in the meantime, I will save myself from much heartbreak and distraction. Avoiding a constant stream of temporary dating relationships gives me a chance to depend fully on God to meet every emotional need. It also removes quite a bit of mystery. I don't have to worry about if "he's the one." Instead, I know he isn't the one unless God clearly leads me into a relationship with him. Ah, what an honor and blessing it is to have the King of Kings as the author of my love story. Such great adventures await me!
This past weekend, I finished reading the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I must say that it was one of the best books I have EVER read! I have read several books about girl/guy relationships, dating, courtship, etc. However, this book was unlike any I have ever read! It was the first book I have read that had a true guy's perspective! Just while I was reading, I came to respect Eric Ludy so much for telling girls what guys need, AND being able to tell guys what girls need! Leslie also is an amazing writer and shared such wonderful thoughts. Like many girls, I have always had the dream of meeting my Prince Charming and having that happily ever after. As I have grown older, my desires to someday be a Godly wife and mom and have only increased! However, I have felt so stuck lately! I knew that I needed to use my singleness and not just WAIT for the perfect man to walk into my life. My job is to run toward God and He will let Mr. Right catch up. In the last year, I have felt like I didn't know how to do this completely. I was running to God, but also found myself thinking so much about my desire to marry a Godly man. At times I felt guilty for having such a desire, and I would try to distract myself from it. God used the Ludy's book to speak to my heart and tell me that that is a desire HE has given me! I can and NEED to be thinking of my future hubby now! It is NOW that I start loving and honoring that special man--not after I say I do. I am urging EVERYBODY to read this book! For me, it was life-changing! OH! And here is a cool story about how I got the book: My dad gave me a gift certificate for Christmas to a Christian bookstore where he lives. While looking at the MANY books, I prayed that God would help me find ones that would bring me closer to Him. I found the Ludy's book and wondered how God would use it in my life. Now I know! Praise Him! :)
Father,
Two years ago, I began writing letters to my future husband. I had heard of someone else doing this and figured it would be a good outlet for my explosive desire for a man. At first, I wrote fairly frequently. But as time marched on, I realized that I was writing to my non-existent husband nearly as much as I would journal or write to God. Rather than helping me control my desire for the future, my 'husband journal' was fueling my desire as it became an outpouring of my impatience. When I realized this, I stopped writing all together for a while and then slowly began writing again, though very rarely. As I look back through these letters, they put into words the heart of a girl who has felt alone, overcome by desire for the future, and unable to be beautiful and cherished until paired with an earthly man. Although the letters often contained phrases such as "But God's timing is perfect and I will wait patiently," they were written more out of an obligation than a true trust in God's hand on my life. The last several months, God has been doing so much work in me. He is renewing my mind and rewriting my heart. Today, I wrote my future husband for the first time in a long while. It wasn't until I was signing my name at the end of the letter that I realized how different this letter was from the others. Rather than telling my husband how desperately I wanted to know who he was, I told him how peaceful I am. Rather than crying out because I want him to be here to make me beautiful, I was able to tell him that I AM beautiful and look forward to the day when I can share that beauty....CHRIST's beauty....with one special man. This letter spoke of God's faithfulness rather than my own impatience. This change happened so quietly, so unseen...but it did not go unnoticed. My heart is brimming with so much peace. Not peace because I know the truth in my head, but peace because the truth is consuming my heart from the inside out. God is so faithful! How could I want anything more that what my Father is doing at this very moment? If I skip a single moment, a single joy, a single hurt, I would be ripping holes in His precious painting. I am resting in His providence while running in His will, I am finding His peace while searching in His heart, and I am falling in love with my true beloved while standing tall on His promises each and every day. Do I still fail? Oh yes! Far too often to count. But I am learning to ooo and aaa over the Artist's work rather than grabbing His hand in desperation, attempting to make the painting turn out how I want it to. Day by day, miracle by miracle,tear by tear, joy by joy, I watch my Father painting something more beautiful than my simple mind can ever comprehend!
