Tattered Plans

Life. Life is crazy...and hard...and beautiful...and unexpected. I know this, yet I somehow often find myself stuck in the mindset that the next phase will NOT be crazy, or hard, or unexpected. I want the beauty without the ugly. The thing about following God is that we don't often have beauty without the rest of the pieces, for our God is a God who brings beauty from ashes, healing from hard, and transformation from the unexpected. He is too good, too far beyond our understanding to offer a life of ease. You would think I could remember this...but instead, I have yet again found myself aching in the midst of a crazy, hard, unexpected, and beautiful phase of life. I finished my first year of teaching. What a whirlwind! What a learning experience, joy, and incredibly hard 10 months. Mid-school year, Silas and I found out we would be welcoming a little one in September. We also began and finished foster care classes and began hunting for a house to move into this June. After much prayer and discussion, we decided I would resign from my teaching job to stay home with our little one and the foster children we would soon welcome. We knew we were entering a new journey that would bring growth, hurt, and danger, but were filled with joy at God's work and leading in our life. We had a plan. God had other plans. First, the house hunt did not go as planned. Our lease ends in 5 days and we have no house to move into. Still, God provided...we are able to stay in our apartment for however long we need. We planned. God changed our plans. With no house, our foster care process is at a standstill. We planned. God had other plans. We decided we will bring our sweet baby into the world with a midwife through a  home birth with the least amount of intervention. At the baby's 20 week ultrasound, a mass was discovered in his chest. After appointment after appointment, specialists, and a referral to Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, we will now be delivering in Kansas City surrounded by some of the nations best doctors so our little boy can have the care and surgery he will potentially need. We planned. God had other plans. God provided. To say the least, it has been a HARD few months for the Pedersons. We have cried. Lots. We have prayed. We have sought. We have battled decisions, confusion, and burden. But we have also been met with such peace. I would love to be nesting in a new house, loving on foster children, and holding my swelling belly knowing all is ok. But if that is not God's will and plan for us right now, I don't want that. If the safest place to be is in the middle of God's will, then I know we are safer than we have ever been. Essentially every aspect of our lives has been hurdled into the air...but every piece is still held by mighty hands. Despite the hurt and disappointment, I trust God's best for us. I know that He will provide what we truly need when we need it. So for now...we don't *need* a house...or the perfect birth plan....or the world's healthiest little boy. What we need is God's grace, and we are covered in it. We need his love and we are enveloped in it. We need His presence and we are surrounded by it. Little by little, we see pieces of His plan revealed. If I had not resigned, I would have to miss far more work than allotted, in order to care for myself and our son. If we had a house, we would have foster children. If we had foster children, the 2 weeks I need to spend in KC before the birth would be far more daunting. God is providing. May our hearts sing His praise long and loud as He continues to replace our plans with His, that HIS name be lifted high.
~Micah

Dear 2014

Dear 2014,

You were perhaps the most life-changing 365 days I have experienced thus far. Between your bookends, I traveled to Haiti where my flame for missions was fanned. I buried my brother and began a journey of deepest hurt and healing. I graduated from college and moved to Wichita. I married my sweet Silas and am slowly beginning to learn to love and be loved as our Father loves. Marriage has brought the purest of joys while I have thrashed and questioned beneath the weight of commitment and the beautiful trial that is matrimony. I became a teacher and realized even further the depth of my passion for reaching those with special needs, and yet found myself drowning in the system. Friendships faded and I battled not feeling well for months. As I have many times before, I experienced loss, heartache, and the scorching blaze of refining fire. I felt the frozen fingers of bitterness squeezing the very life from my soul. I clawed and grasped in a desperate attempt to cling to all that has held my identity for 22 years, screaming at God to show up. I questioned, pleaded, and doubted. My Father faithfully dissolved, one by one, the idols that have held my identity captive for so long. I found myself flailing, no longer able to find fulfillment in anything but everything that HE is. As you draw to a close 2014, it could be easy to hope that this year is easier. I could wish for a year with less pain, less decisions, and less weakness. I could choose to ask for a year where I will be the one to shine, where my marriage will be a fairytale, where my career will be fulfilling and certain, where those I love are guaranteed safety. I could demand a nice house and the American dream. But then…where would the beauty be?  I am only here, I am only gifted, able, and beautifully formed in His image so that HE may be glorified! You were far from easy, 2014. But you were beautiful. The breath-taking handprint of the reigning King in unmistakably present within your each and every moment. I was held, I was refined, I was provided for, I was fought for. God faithfully stripped away that which marred His beauty in my life and gently tended to that which would make me more like Him. He has fought for my heart through my rejection, bitterness, and heartbreak. Therefore, I will welcome 2015 with expectation and excitement of how God will glorify Himself in the coming days. I know that the refining has only just begun. More idols will await their annihilation, more lessons must be learned, and more change than ever is on the horizon. Through it all, God will provide as He always has. Because of His sovereignty and goodness, I step forward with my husband in confidence and faith. I will choose to cling to my Faithful Father, to His promises, and to my husband. Together, Silas and I will hold with open hands all that He has given, taken, and is yet to give and take. GLORY be to the God most high, who lavishes His grace, favor, and blessing on His children. I praise Him for all that you were, 2014, and for all that 2015 is yet to reveal.

Sincerly, 

Micah Rachel Pederson

Gifts

I. Love. December.
Love it.
I love cold. I love lights. I love Christmas music. I love presents. I love snow. I love giving. I love family. I love break. I love food. I love celebrating Jesus. I love it all!
I always have and always will.
However, this year looks different....it feels different. Life is hard. So much change...so many decisions, pain, burdens, stresses, heartaches.
And this year, my brother is missing.
It didn't really hit me until today. Today, we were driving through my hometown and drove past his house. It looks so...different. Ben loved the Christmas season too. If he were still here, I would have seen him up on the roof today, moaning and groaning and wrestling Christmas lights while trying to conceal his own excitement. He would have teased me about my love for presents and pretended he wasn't going to get me anything this year. In my huge family, we draw names and buy a gift for one sibling...but Ben always got me a gift whether he drew my name or not. Something that was without-a-doubt----pink. And if it was pink AND glittery, he would be that much more likely to get it for me. Even when I really didn't need anything else pink, fluffy, and covered in glitter, Ben's gifts have always meant so much to me. He was one who gave from his heart. I knew that whatever gifts he gave, he thought long and hard about what would be most fitting. One of my very, very favorite things about December the last 4 years was the alone time I had with Ben. Because he worked for a college and I went to college, our breaks aligned. While everyone else was still working away, Ben and I would have a week or so each year just for us. We would shop...go out for ice cream...attempt to decorate....cook...and watch Christmas movies. I would watch him (NO JOKE) chug at least a half-gallon of egg nog a day. If it snowed, I would peek out the window as he stayed out all night in ridiculous temperatures to shovel the driveways of every house he could get to. Those special times with Ben were, and continue to be, such a treasure. There won't be any time with Ben this year. That's hard. It hurts. When I think about it, my stomach twists and my heart drops. I so badly want to make it stop, to somehow return Ben to us. I want to give into bitterness and anger. I want to scream, or break something, or pretend that Christmas...that LIFE...isn't really happening.
But is that what God wants for me? Does he really want me to allow my heart to harden? Is His desire for me to rob the joy of those around me, to close my eyes to beauty that could be?
Perhaps God wants to give me a gift this year which is different from any that I can fathom...the gift of giving..TRULY giving...of myself.  I desperately want to bring an offering, but what do I have to give? I cannot bring a flawless heart...I cannot bring wholeness or understanding or strength. Maybe what He wants is my brokenness...my sin, my weakness, my very need for all that He is. Perhaps instead of holding back, I can give. Perhaps the brokenness of my heart holds the wholeness of His grace. I will give from the beauty of these ashes, the treasure of these tears, the gift of this pain.
Beyond my flood of emotions, past my broken heart and rattled mind, a loving, understanding, all-knowing God is holding the pieces. Despite the aches, the hurts, and all that is, God is being glorified.
So this year...I will choose joy. I will choose celebration, openness, and love. I will choose to steal the glory from satan and lay it at the feet of the One who loved me enough to be born in a manger.

Singing from the Mountaintop

Lately, I have found myself experiencing life in a different way than I ever have before. For As long as I can remember, in the moments when I closed my eyes and drew near to God, the first words I spoke were pleas for help. My praise would rise, but it rose from a broken heart, begging for healing and seeking relief by soaking up the preciousness of the presence of God. When I thanked God, I so often was thanking Him for pain, trials, and battles that crushed me and brought me to my knees at His feet. For so long, I have been learning how to praise through pain, how to see God through driving rain, and how to lay my ever-heavy burdens at the foot of the cross. Although my life still has its pain and 'less than ideal' situations, circumstantially speaking, my life is very good right now. Every area I can think of is flooded with peace. When people ask how I am, I can say “Great!” with no buts or howevers. When I close my eyes and behold my Savior recently, I often find that all I can think to say is, “Thank you, Father. Thank you.” Moment after moment each day is laced with so much beauty I can hardly breathe. I wake up...and I smile. At first, I struggled with so much goodness in my life. I felt as if I wasn't growing. But more and more, I see how God continues to grow me, just in different ways than before. When I am overwhelmed by blessing, I am able to better focus on others. I am learning to better pray and reach out to those around me, rather than constantly only praying for my own needs and hurts. I am learning to pursue God, even when it doesn't feel that I need to as badly. Rather than seeking Him out of desperation, I find myself seeking Him because I love Him, I'm amazed by Him, I enjoy being with Him, and I want to be more like Him. I love His beauty and desire to soak it up! I am simply enjoying Him. It is delightful beyond words to trace His large, gracious hand of blessing within every area of my life. Much of Christian literature, help, counsel, etc is focused on how followers of Christ should react and work through the storms of life. It is so true that there is great blessing in tribulation. Yes, there is much growth and beauty in the valley. However, I am learning that the mountaintop is a pretty breath-takingly gorgeous place to be as well! The view is different, the growth is a different variety, and the songs my heart sing are of a slightly different tune. But whether my praise rises from the valley or the mountaintop, I proclaim that God is so good. This life He has given, no matter where we are within it, is incredibly beautiful.

Dear Husband...

Two years ago, I began writing letters to my future husband. I had heard of someone else doing this and figured it would be a good outlet for my explosive desire for a man. At first, I wrote fairly frequently. But as time marched on, I realized that I was writing to my non-existent husband nearly as much as I would journal or write to God. Rather than helping me control my desire for the future, my 'husband journal' was fueling my desire as it became an outpouring of my impatience. When I realized this, I stopped writing all together for a while and then slowly began writing again, though very rarely. As I look back through these letters, they put into words the heart of a girl who has felt alone, overcome by desire for the future, and unable to be beautiful and cherished until paired with an earthly man. Although the letters often contained phrases such as "But God's timing is perfect and I will wait patiently," they were written more out of an obligation than a true trust in God's hand on my life. The last several months, God has been doing so much work in me. He is renewing my mind and rewriting my heart. Today, I wrote my future husband for the first time in a long while. It wasn't until I was signing my name at the end of the letter that I realized how different this letter was from the others. Rather than telling my husband how desperately I wanted to know who he was, I told him how peaceful I am. Rather than crying out because I want him to be here to make me beautiful, I was able to tell him that I AM beautiful and look forward to the day when I can share that beauty....CHRIST's beauty....with one special man. This letter spoke of God's faithfulness rather than my own impatience. This change happened so quietly, so unseen...but it did not go unnoticed. My heart is brimming with so much peace. Not peace because I know the truth in my head, but peace because the truth is consuming my heart from the inside out. God is so faithful! How could I want anything more that what my Father is doing at this very moment? If I skip a single moment, a single joy, a single hurt, I would be ripping holes in His precious painting. I am resting in His providence while running in His will, I am finding His peace while searching in His heart, and I am falling in love with my true beloved while standing tall on His promises each and every day. Do I still fail? Oh yes! Far too often to count. But I am learning to ooo and aaa over the Artist's work rather than grabbing His hand in desperation, attempting to make the painting turn out how I want it to. Day by day, miracle by miracle,tear by tear, joy by joy, I watch my Father painting something more beautiful than my simple mind can ever comprehend!

Picture from: http://dailyblogma.com

Heart Keeper

The other day, I was having a rare, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. I had reached the point of feeling so discouraged I felt rather worthless. A dear friend of mine gave me a gift card and sent me to a local coffee shop for a date with Jesus. At first I didn't even know what to say to Him. Our communication line felt so clogged with the lies I was believing. I told Him all I could do was listen. I desperately pleaded for Him to tell me what I needed to hear. Beyond that, I had no words. As I sat, two words kept coming to my mind. "Soul Keeper...Soul Keeper...Soul Keeper." Not finding these words very helpful, I continued to beg God to reach out to me, to reveal to me what was happening inside of me! But again: "Soul keeper....soul keeper...soul keeper." After moments of sitting there, I began to understand. Who had I been allowing to be the keeper of not just my soul, but my heart, and my worth? Everyone BUT God. I was letting my friends be the keepers of my heart and soul, and so I would compare myself to them and fall short as a friend and Chrsitian. I would let the girls on my floor be the keepers of my heart and soul, and again, I would fall short, this time as an RA. Again and I again I could think of people I was allowing to be my keeper, people OTHER than my Heavenly Father. This realization was so simple, so freeing. In the moments that followed, I wrote this poem.

Heart Keeper

My heart is longing for a keeper

One who knows, yet loves me deeper

He would not be your average joe

But would protect me and watch me grow

He would not woo with empty words

But through his love I’d be assured

He’d never say ‘you’re not good enough’

But hold me gently when the way is tough

He would not focus on my outer shell

But glimpse my heart and know all is well

When the key to my heart he’s been granted to hold

He will know he’s beholding beauty untold

He would never lead me from the path to stray

But in safety and purity help me to stay

He wouldn’t choose my sin to ignore

But confront me in truth, my freedom to soar

A tear of mine he would not look past

But he’d hear my heartache and hold me fast

Could there be one who does exist?

Could my own Beloved be in my midst?

The search is painful, lonely, and dark

This sinful world has left its mark.

I could give my heart to all who ask

But then I’d be desolate, my pain to mask.

My heart has finally found its keeper

The One whose love is stronger and deeper

I’ll never know why I choose to feel

Unwanted, unloved, my beauty concealed

For He knows my value, beauty and worth,

It was by His hand my life was brought forth

This Keeper does not hide behind His pride

But in utmost humility, He suffered and died

He never asks me to perform

The mistakes I make He never does scorn

Instead He lifts me from the shame

Whispers ‘I love you’ and calls me by name

He does not ask that I try to repay

But simply that Him, I trust and obey

All along He has carried me through

And I find to Him all my praise is due.

I search and search when all along

He is the One whose love is my song

To Him alone I do fully give

Not just my soul, but the life I do live.

He is the lover who holds my heart

Whose known me and claimed me from the very start

With sweet delight over me He sings

As I’m being transformed by the King of Kings

He alone is worthy to possess

The key to my all, for I’m His princess.

He's enthralled by my beauty, no matter the day

For He sees my heart and made it that way

Heart keeper of mine, it’s you I do choose

And for You alone, my life I do lose.

Hold me, keep me, with me dance and sway

For my heart is Yours and this I do pray

My selfishness, pride, and self-glory to fall

For it’s all about You, I’m truly so small.

All glory to You, Precious Father and King

May my life be a selfless offering

Image from: http://www.graphicshunt.com

Peaceful Restlessness

Life in Christ is so wild....so brimming with fun and such beauty! Every time I begin to dwell on life, not just life on this earth, but the true life with eternal value that we have been given, my mind is blown. I think one of the greatest things about life is that it is always changing. No matter how much we try to take control or tell God the plans for our lives, His plans always rule and are far more exciting and perfect than our own! Since the beginning of the school year this year, I feel more than ever that I have no idea what to expect every day. Life as an RA (resident assistant) is amazing...busy, crazy, out of control at times, and so very full of passion. Each day I awake and go to sleep to 22 girls who I have the incredible privilege of pouring into! No matter how much I do or don't give during the day, I go to bed each night with my head swimming with new ideas about how to love them. ! More than ever this year, I feel passion. Passion for so many things, passion that is out of control, passion that couldn't come from me in myself. These passions burn within me for the lost, the broken, and opportunities to pour out unconditional love. God is not only growing passions I have had for a while, but planting new ones within me. I have 'always' seemed to have a passion for those with special needs and that passion continues to grow as I am given more and more opportunities in this area of ministry. My passion for adoption, especially of those with special needs has remained, but God is giving me new insight and the freedom and boldness to daily pray that He would set aside children He desires me to be a mother to one day. My passion for inner city ministry has remained in my heart and has grown immensely as I have become more involved in an urban ministry program, which God has blessed incredibly this semester. And the last few months, a new passion has exploded within me: A deep desire to love, minister to, and share true life with those living in prostitution and sex trafficking. Some days, I feel so RESTLESS! I want to be living in a big city NOW! I want to know NOW if I will marry and adopt, I want to be working women in prostitution NOW! But then as often as I become restless, I laugh to myself, shake my head, and take a step back. I am reminded again and again how extremely vital this period in my life is! Where I am right now is not only a huge ministry in itself, but it is also the training ground for the rest of my life! If God's will for my life includes marriage, these are the only years as a single person I may ever have--it is a time set aside for such growth, maturing, and discovery. My position as an RA is a huge ministry, one that is daily stretching me, teaching me, and preparing me for the next area of ministry I am being called to. It is pouring myself into where I am now and who I am around now that will bring me to the place I need to be before God will lead me to something else. And so within this restlessness, there is such an incredible peace. Peace as I see how God has given me the ministries I have asked for so far, peace as I feel challenged, peace as I fail sometimes and succeed at other times. There is a deep itch inside me to grow, to move, to love, to share, to have more and more, and MORE ministry! But as equally strong as this itch is such incredible joy and peace, rooted in the knowledge of a God who so intimately knows me and leads me, handing me what He knows I am ready for today, and giving me a passion for that which I will be ready for tomorrow. I do not desire the peace without the restlessness, for then I may be unwilling to move. I do not desire the restlessness without the peace, for then I may miss an incredible piece of who God is creating me to be and who He is allowing me to touch. So, here I stand in this wondrous life led by an incredible God--not running blindly, not sitting unmoving, but keeping my eyes upward as I take each careful step, knowing that He is laying before me one remarkable journey.
(Image from: littlestomaks.com)

Arms of Comfort

Life is hard. I don't know how people who have no hope in Christ live it. The "small things" are hard enough, but when tragedy strikes, I truly don't know how those who don't know our King continue to function. So many people have experienced pain far, far worse than my own and have nothing to fall back on, no arms to rest in, no hope to behold. We who belong to the King have so much comfort, we have life--abundant life. But still, we hurt. Our hurt is no less than those around us--but it is bound in hope. So often, I have the blessing of being able to be strong--not because I myself am strong, but because I have a steady flow of strength flowing through me from the Holy Spirit. Plus, I have the incredible opportunity to lay my burdens at the foot of the cross. I can lay my own burdens down that I might take up the burdens of other's. I believe greatly in the value of this concept, but sometimes it's as if I feel guilty for my pain or the desire to share that pain. What I am beginning to discover though is that I am perhaps robbing brothers and sisters in Christ when I don't share. I am so very blessed when others share with me...why would I rob the family of God by not allowing them to be blessed in the same way? Quite frankly, I don't have to always be strong. I am so so thankful that the promises of God are true. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt. And it means that sometimes, it is ok just to share because it feels good or helps me be comforted. It's ok to say the questions and frustrations that are in my heart and mind. Even if I know I have hope and I know God is good, it is ok to say that knowing the truth and promises doesn't make the pain and questions go away. With that said, I can say that the pain of my niece's death has penetrated my heart so deeply. Yes, it has been several weeks. Yes, the services are over and the family and friends are back home. Yes, I am only the aunt and my sister and brother-in-law's pain is far greater and deeper than my own. But my heart still held and holds this baby. I would have given my life for her. Her preciousness overwhelms me. She changed me and continues to change me. The world is sad when a baby dies...the tragedy is recognized. But the world doesn't remember what it was like to be unable to look away from that tiny face, believing that nothing could be more beautiful or full of hope. The world doesn't know how to miss the loud squeaks she made as she sucked on her pacifier so hard, I wondered how such a tiny person could possibly make such loud noises. The world doesn't miss the weight of her on my chest. The world doesn't miss what it felt like to press my nose in the top of her head and take in the smell of her. The world doesn't know the feeling of realizing that instead of returning to college, I had the great privilege of devoting a year to loving and helping this little girl. The world doesn't know what it is like to suddenly be going back to college, having to answer the questions as people wonder why my plans changed. The world doesn't know the knot my heart forms as I try to answer the question, "How is your sister doing?" The world doesn't know what it is like to spend a week alongside my sister and her husband, planning the details of their daughter's funeral and burial. The world doesn't know the overwhelming pain of how helpless I feel, knowing that my sister's heart is hanging in shreds in another state. The world doesn't know what it is like to wake up after having yet another dream about Ellie night after night, trying to reach reality once more but caught up in the feeling of having her again for that short instant. As my heart is torn open at the thought of that tiny body being underground, the world can say it is just a shell. But what they don't know is that it is the most beautiful shell in the world. I share all this not because I am hopeless...but because I am hopeful. This hurts...so much. I won't deny the pain. I won't deny the questions, frustrations, and sometimes....anger. I won't say that each and every day of my life is not deeply affected by the hollow ache of loss. And I won't say that I can always be strong. But I will say that I don't always have to be strong. I am held so securely in the arms of the Great Comforter and I rejoice in that! However, that doesn't mean I don't really desire to feel those arms in an earthly form sometimes. Knowing this pain is what allows me to know the comfort that accompanies it. Maybe, as I am willing to be weak and receive comfort, I can be equipped to be the earthly arms of comfort for another person whose heart is aching.

(Picture from: www.crestock.com)