W H Y

Being a foster parent the last four years has been the hardest life experience I have ever chosen. This journey has caused me to cry more, sleep less, and experience more powerful emotions than I could have imagined. It has exposed me to such hideous ugliness and darkness in the world. In the beginning, I felt certain that despite the hardness, foster care would draw me closer and closer to my God. Yet, I have spent many nights in the last four years wide awake, panicked and screaming inside, wondering if there even is a God and where He is. I have continued to speak and live my faith, but there have many times when I could not be certain the faith was even there anymore. So…this begs the question…why? Why would I choose to live out a journey that has robbed me of sleep, a social life, or my twenties full of enjoying marriage and 2.5 non-traumatized or ailing children? Why would I continue to step into a gap where thanks are rare and people are quick to offer judgement and condemnation? Why would I continue to say yes to a mission which has shaken my self-image, physical health, and relationships with my husband, friends, extended family, and God to the core? Why would I say yes to an everyday (and every night) full of appointments, meltdowns, trauma triggers, therapies, meetings, emails, phone calls, court hearings, treatments, and more days in hospitals than I would have liked to see in my entire life? Why would I choose to allow this hard to be my story? Why do I find myself tonight, Friday night, unloading my heart while tears stream down my face when I could be watching Netflix or partying with friends? Why….?

Is it the kids?

These children are precious. Despite their many flaws, deep wounds, and immense difficulties, it is easy to become lost in their eyes, their smiles, and their victories. Even on days when the smiles and warmth and victory is buried beneath trauma and disability, it is still easy to cling to the knowledge of a child’s value and right to be wrapped in safety and love. So do I do it for the kids?

Yes…but that isn’t enough.

Is it the bigger circle?

Foster care doesn’t end with the children in care. No, it seeps far into the circle that surrounds them. There are biological parents who need to be told and shown for the first time that they are worthy of love. There are social workers who need to see good in the world once again through a positive and thankful foster parent. There are churches and neighbors and friends and extended family members who need to see the joy of living life outside the lines. So do I do it for the bigger circle?

Yes...but that isn’t enough.

It is the compensation or the accolades?

This one is easy: No.

That isn’t enough.

The truth is, even when my faith feels broken…even when I begin to doubt that the eyes of a loving God are on me and my home…even when I am barely, barely clinging to the tiniest thread of faith—that is the why. Without Jesus, without the hope of who He is and what He has done, none of this—None. Of. It.—could be enough to say yes. Somehow, after a night of tossing and turning, wondering if I have been abandoned or I am drowning in the ache of the stories of heartbreak that fill my home, it is that teeny tiny thread that lifts me to my feet the next morning. Actually, it isn’t even the thread because I am powerless. But on the other end of that thread—and every other side of it—is a great big God who sees, hears, and loves His daughter and every other person who fills my home. That God is too faithful to abandon me, too good to leave me undisciplined or without a good hand and heart slap every now and then. That God is so kind and gracious and forgiving that He hears my words of doubt, sees my confusion and pain, and tells me it’s time to rest in Him as I place one foot in front of the other and step bolding into the story He is writing. Without Him, these kids would just be kids who couldn’t possibly be worth the sacrifice. Without him, these circles would be full of people who there is no hope of redemption for.

It’s. All. Jesus.

He is the why.

Even when I forget that and find myself leaning on my own sorry excuse for wisdom or strength, it is still Him. He is the one who takes days full of insanity and pulls to the surface the moments of stillness, laughter, smiles, joy, growth, relationship, grace, and over-comings. He is the one who makes the hardest of hard days worthwhile when He plants tiny seeds. He is the one who is glorified even when there is not much earthly fruit to show.  He is the why, the reason, and the worth it.

And that…that why…makes the hard years, months, weeks, and days like today undoubtedly worth it. -Micah

"Do the next thing." ~Elisabeth Elliott

My phone rang today. For the second time this month, I heard the voice of a social worker say, “I wish I had good news, but I don’t. I have some pretty bad news.”

I laid on my bed while tiny hands knocked and called for me. All I could think was: I want to be done. I am weary. I am weary of advocating my heart out and it not yielding the results I felt we needed. I am weary of those who do not know me and do not know my children choosing power and policy over common sense and compassion, making life-changing decisions for us and then stepping back, leaving us to pick up the handfuls of shattered pieces that may never be fully mended. I am weary—broken really—as I watch the children in and out my home—children who are priceless masterpieces of humanity—become numbers to be added or subtracted and boxes to be checked. A large piece of me wants to run. I want to hide from the weight of what God has called me to. I want to step into the safety of predictably and naivety. I want to turn my back to the inhumanity of some of the policies that are in place and give myself permission to throw my hands up and declare there is nothing that can be done. 

Fast forward a couple hours: My husband and I were silently sitting on the living room floor. We both felt the weight of a rough week and the brokenness of the world on our shoulders as we went through the motions of giving meds, feeding our tubies, and changing diapers. In the room with us was one freshly bathed sweetie, dressed in her very favorite cupcake nightgown. She was wearing construction goggles (upside down) hammering the walls proudly declaring she was a worker girl. Through a nearby doorway, another darling spun circles in the kitchen, her nightgown billowing as she stared her favorite stuffed dinosaur in the eyes and giggled hysterically. In almost the same moment, Silas and I caught each other’s eyes soaking in the girls and said, “It’s so simple, isn’t it?” 

These girls have not been spared from the world’s brokenness. Not in the least. Trauma has certainly left marks on them in so many ways. But at the same time, they break away from that burden, picking up nothing but the simplicity of being a child and doing the next thing before them. They know the world isn’t safe, and yet they carry on in precious love, joy, and trust. When they meet a crisis, they lean into it. They cry, they regress, they ache because it is so wrong and it hurt. But they rise again. When joy comes, they are all in, claiming the peace and delight that is theirs. So much of the time, it isn’t a clear-cut line, but a clumsy and beautiful dance within brokenness and beauty. 

It really is so simple. God isn’t asking me (or YOU) to fix the world, the system, or even one child. He doesn’t even ask us to fix ourselves. He simply asks us to do the next thing. Today, I will be sad for the brokenness around me. It is where I am. But come tomorrow, I will do the next thing. I will seek God’s guidance and step big when he tells me to go and rest when he tells me to be still. I will roar when He leads me into battle and I will sit on the sidelines when He asks me to trust what I can’t see. How thankful I am to trust in such a mighty, wise, loving God. How thankful I am I can trust Him to be all those things and more while He calls me to a simplicity that changes the world. He is so good. 

I know the chaos and heartache of foster care can seem like too much to take on. I know it must be so easy to say, “I could never do that!” and carry on. But please do not let the brokenness of the world and the system drive you away. Do not fear the pain and the loss. Instead, be afraid of sitting still and not doing the next thing God has called you to. You don’t have to be enough. You don’t have to be fearless or free from pain or flaw. Just simply ask…seek His will and do the next thing, whether that be in foster care of a different area completely. 

Because He First Loved Her

Six months ago, God taught me something that changed my life. At the time we were needing to answer the question "Will you keep this little girl long term?" After a six day "trial run" filled with appointments and sleepless nights I was planning on saying no. It just didn't make sense. As a foster dad and Christian I had spent my life loving others because "God first loved me"... but God's love of me wasn't enough for me to say yes. It surprised me! It was supposed to be enough. It was what I had been told for 25 years. "You love because He first loved you". Yet it wasn't enough to overcome the fear and hardship that would result if we said yes. But just hours before we gave our answer God spoke to my heart and explained that it wasn't about me. I was supposed to love not because He loved ME but because He loved HER! I was supposed to love sacrificially because He had sacrificed himself for her! Her value had been determined on the cross and I was supposed to treat her according to the value He set! No longer was serving God and obeying His command to love based on what I got out of the deal. I knew God died for me, but I had perverted that life giving truth so far that I felt entitled to a good life because my value was so high that God died for me. I was only willing to love because I first got something good. On the outside it looked like I was selflessly loving others but there was still so much I was holding back because of my desire for comfort and how I had warped the gospel. This lesson was a step in the right direction for me. Now, I am nowhere near selfless and daily my pride hurts from my failures, but I know God is using me. These past six months I have found greater joy and passion for service in God's kingdom and I yearn to see others experience that as well. I yearn to see people radically loving the orphan, widow and our neighbors! For me that has been enabled by thinking less of myself and more about the priceless value of each person I meet. For God so loved the widow, the orphan, the outcast, the sick, the World, that He sacrificed everything! And because He sacrificed everything! I can say yes. Not ONLY because He first loved me but because Christ first loved THEM.
-Silas

Purposeful Pain

Today, I went to the health food store for the first time after being diagnosed with Celiac Disease. As I scanned shelves aisle after aisle searching for gluten free snacks that wouldn't leave us broke, I felt an unexpected flood of tears well up inside of me. I plopped a few items in my cart and hurried through check-out as Eli screamed. I couldn't make eye contact with the cashier, as I knew some dam within me was about to splinter. I barely had the car loaded and my seat belt buckled when it came....a full-out shoulder-shaking, face contorting, breath robbing boo-hoo. I cried as I backed out. I cried as the man in the pick-up truck glanced uncomfortably at me at the stop light. I cried as the motorcyclist gawked in his rear view mirror through the construction zone. I sobbed in the front while Eli wailed in the back. I didn't stop until I was safely parked in our garage. I sat in my own silence, listening to Eli's sleepy breathing behind me and wondering where such a breakdown had come from. As I questioned my own heart, I not only discovered the recent frustration of this new diagnosis and lifestyle, but an enormous heap of hurt mistakenly labeled as "This Doesn't Matter Because Other People Have it Worse."Events from the last year and beyond swirled to the surface of my mind. Just as swiftly, I generated an excuse for each one of why it shouldn't bother me because it could be so much worse. I'm quick to become angry with myself when I feel worn by life's circumstances, believing it makes me selfish. But today, I felt a whisper asking me to look again...to look beneath the excuses...to acknowledge the hard and the hurt. So one by one, I did. I even said them out loud: It's hard that my brother died. Oh, how I miss him! It was hard to be depressed and suicidal for months last year and to be fearful of it returning. It was hard to not know where we would live. It was hard to move to a house I didn't see the potential in. It was hard to become parents before we thought we were "ready." It's hard to have my son's surgery looming. It's hard to feel called to so much, yet feel as if I am doing so little. It's hard to have a disease that makes me feel so sick. It's hard to have that disease so far along that my body isn't absorbing nutrients. It's hard that I am fighting with everything I have to make enough milk to feed my son. It's hard to learn to be married to someone. It's hard to feel so alone and isolated in a new city. It's hard to be entering the unknowns of foster care. It's hard to have felt so far from God. It's hard to watch my nation and world crumble. It's hard to be out of control of Grant and Reed's care. It was so hard to teach. It's hard to not know why I got a teaching degree. It's hard to have our income cut more than in half. It's hard to learn to be home everyday. It's hard to try to get involved in a new church. At 23 years old, it's still crazy hard to be a child of divorce. If I'm honest, there's a lot of hard and a lot of hurt. I'm realizing that Satan would love for me to believe that there's not...that I'm ok...that it's selfish to hurt. You see, one of Satan's greatest lies in my life is that my pain, my brokenness, my circumstances...they don't matter because there are so many others whose trials are much greater and deeper. While this is valid fact and always will be, it can also become a devastating roadblock between us and the healing God wants to bring. If Satan can convince us that our hurt shouldn't exist, he can keep us from experiencing the embrace and comfort of the Healer. Although we may not be struggling in the same way or capacity that others are, our pain is real, whether it's total persecution or a friendship falling apart. God knows our story, our pain, our circumstances. He is not wringing His hands, wishing he would've given us a life where we could know REAL suffering. He doesn't ask us to always compare our story to those of others....instead, He asks us to be faithful in our own aching. He desires to lead us, love us, and be glorified through the story He has given us in His goodness. The Bible declares that God is near to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18). In fact, He has an abundance of blessing to heap on the hurting (Matthew 5:3-11). Jesus Himself hurt...deeply. Instead of denying the pain, He cried out to His Father. Shouldn't we do the same? I don't believe  hurt should be wallowed in, used to define us, or that we shouldn't look to the pain of others for our own reality check. But hurt has a purpose and we mustn't let Satan brush away the beauty of our brokenness. May we be faithful and passionate to pray for and reach out to the pain of others while still allowing our hearts to be softened and exposed to the refining fire of our own lives.

-Micah

Joy: When all Seems Lost

As Micah has shared in her recent posts life has been pretty crazy. The last 6 months of our lives have been full of turmoil, transition and trial. We have experienced love and loss in ways that we never had before and we spent most of the time wondering if our son was going to be okay and if we would have someplace to live when it was all said and done. Through it all I wrestled with God asking over and over how could He keep telling me to have faith when everything that was happening was counter to what we had prayed for, counter to what He had promised. In the midst of crying out for justice from God, He in all His humor gave me an opportunity where I was asked to write a devotional about finding Joy in trial. So what follows is how God helped me find joy in trial by trying to tell others why we truly can find joy even in the midst of trial, hardship, pain and loss.     

                                                                                                                              

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. (Isaiah 43:1-2 ESV)

It’s no secret that life is full of difficulties, loss, tough situations, and realities that we would prefer not to exist. On a regular basis we are faced with pain, hardship, pressure, temptation, sickness, and death. We simply need to watch the news to see how ISIS, racial tensions, shootings, drought, legal cases and economic uncertainty have affected the entire world around us. This brokenness can make it very hard to reconcile God’s promises to love and care for us when all we are experiencing is the pain and frustrations of the world. We can find ourselves questioning “Why?”. It can seem like all we are trying to do is follow God but everything keeps falling apart.

In the New Testament we see an example in Paul of someone who definitely may have thought that very thing. Paul was a missionary who spent his life traveling all over the world telling people about Jesus. Yet his devotion to God did not result in pleasure. In fact, 2 Corinthians 11:22-33 tells us that because he believed in God he was brutally beaten and imprisoned numerous times. During his life he was also shipwrecked three times and robbed more than once including many other things. Instead of growing bitter or losing his faith in God, Paul says that he rejoices in his suffering because it produces endurance, which produces character, which produces hope that will not disappoint because God loves us (Romans 5:3-5). You see Paul knew that just like danger can produce courage in a person, trials also can produce spiritual maturity because they give us the opportunity to have our faith tested which we know from last week is an important thing. Paul experienced an immense amount of pain yet through it he matured into the father of the modern church.

Ultimately there are very few words that can or should be spoken to someone experiencing trial or grief. No words can replace what was lost and there is no answer to the grief-filled questions asking “Why”. There is, however, one action that can bring relief, peace and in time healing; the death and resurrection of Jesus. No matter what happens we can know that God does love us. How do we know? Because He sent His son to experience pain, suffering and trial on the cross. The greatest pain and suffering anyone could ever experience is the punishment for their sins but God has already offered salvation from that. How can we say that God doesn’t love us because we experience pain when He has already taken away our greatest pain?

Acts 16:25 tells us that at one point in his ministry Paul was sitting in jail having just been beaten to within an inch of his life. In that moment Paul and the people with him began to pray and sing praises to God and as a result the walls of the prison literally fell down and Paul was able to walk away free. This does not mean we can expect our troubles to disappear just because we sing but in Paul we have an example of how God is with us and working in us through the hard points in our lives; and that is something to be joyful about.

So whether you are in the midst of a trial now or whether you are headed into a time that will be a trial, remember that even though nothing can make the pain go away, we can find joy. Find joy like Paul in knowing that you will not have to live forever in trial but someday we will worship God in heaven without any trial. Find joy by remembering that God can and does bring about beautiful things from ashes. And find joy knowing in the knowledge that God did not forsake you. He sent his son to die on the cross so that your trials would not overwhelm you but strengthen you.

                                                                                                                               

The past 6 months of my life may be the hardest I have ever experienced but their have also resulted in the greatest spiritual growth I have ever experienced. Through all the trials of life I can truly say, it is well with my soul because I know the LORD will never forsake me!

-Silas

Elijah Benjamin Pederson

Life is beautiful. I've always believed that, but after giving birth to life itself, it has never been more so. Elijah Benjamin Pederson was born on September 12 at 9:41 pm. He was 7lb 7oz and 20 inches long. After a week of labor off and on, my actual labor was only about 4 hours and he was resting on my chest just an hour after arriving at the hospital. I was so blessed to have had my pregnancy followed by a wonderful, God-loving midwife. She helped us labor at home for as long as possible. Silas was a rockstar...he held me up for hours through contractions, encouraged me, prayed for me, and filled my ears with truth and scripture. My sister was also able to be there. Giving birth was the hardest, strangest thing I've ever done. I remember being afraid, slightly out of my mind, clinging to God and my husband, and wondering what the heck had just happened when I looked around at a room full of doctors and nurses who said "That was the most hilarious labor and delivery we've ever been a part of. Do you mind if we write down some of the things you said?" Praise God for humor at all times! :) Elijah was placed on my chest right away and stayed there as long as I wanted him to. They waited to weigh him, examine him, etc so that we could bond. This was such a gift. Elijah was breathing well when he was born...another huge praise! He was taken within a few hours for a chest x-ray, where it was confirmed that his lung had a cyst in it. We were transferred in the wee hours of the morning to the main hospital for him to be monitored and prepped for a CT scan. We had to wait 26 hours for the results, and meanwhile, his respirations were remaining just a little too fast. The scan showed that his original diagnosis of CCAM (essentially a cyst) would be replaced with the diagnosis of pulmonary sequestration. The difference is that a sequestration has it's own blood feed/artery and can be more of a beast to deal with. The news was hard, but the whole time I was holding my sweet boy who was BREATHING and doing well. Praise God. We were finally discharged with a plan...Eli will be closely watched by doctors in Wichita for 2 weeks and will then head to Kansas City on October 1st to meet with a team of surgeons. He hardly ever cries and seems exhausted when he tries, which worries this mama. It's safe to say that I'm a becoming a hoverer. Elijah's name has been a beautiful reminder through this journey...Elijah--My God is Yahweh, Benjamin--Son of My right hand. His first name also carries the sweet reminder of my niece, Ellie, who passed away 4 years ago. With his middle name, he carries the legacy of his Uncle Benjamin. This little boy of ours is someone very, very special. I am in awe that Silas and I are the ones who get to keep him, raise him, laugh with him, teach him, cry over him, and shepherd him. Thank you, Father. Our God is Yahweh.

Tattered Plans

Life. Life is crazy...and hard...and beautiful...and unexpected. I know this, yet I somehow often find myself stuck in the mindset that the next phase will NOT be crazy, or hard, or unexpected. I want the beauty without the ugly. The thing about following God is that we don't often have beauty without the rest of the pieces, for our God is a God who brings beauty from ashes, healing from hard, and transformation from the unexpected. He is too good, too far beyond our understanding to offer a life of ease. You would think I could remember this...but instead, I have yet again found myself aching in the midst of a crazy, hard, unexpected, and beautiful phase of life. I finished my first year of teaching. What a whirlwind! What a learning experience, joy, and incredibly hard 10 months. Mid-school year, Silas and I found out we would be welcoming a little one in September. We also began and finished foster care classes and began hunting for a house to move into this June. After much prayer and discussion, we decided I would resign from my teaching job to stay home with our little one and the foster children we would soon welcome. We knew we were entering a new journey that would bring growth, hurt, and danger, but were filled with joy at God's work and leading in our life. We had a plan. God had other plans. First, the house hunt did not go as planned. Our lease ends in 5 days and we have no house to move into. Still, God provided...we are able to stay in our apartment for however long we need. We planned. God changed our plans. With no house, our foster care process is at a standstill. We planned. God had other plans. We decided we will bring our sweet baby into the world with a midwife through a  home birth with the least amount of intervention. At the baby's 20 week ultrasound, a mass was discovered in his chest. After appointment after appointment, specialists, and a referral to Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, we will now be delivering in Kansas City surrounded by some of the nations best doctors so our little boy can have the care and surgery he will potentially need. We planned. God had other plans. God provided. To say the least, it has been a HARD few months for the Pedersons. We have cried. Lots. We have prayed. We have sought. We have battled decisions, confusion, and burden. But we have also been met with such peace. I would love to be nesting in a new house, loving on foster children, and holding my swelling belly knowing all is ok. But if that is not God's will and plan for us right now, I don't want that. If the safest place to be is in the middle of God's will, then I know we are safer than we have ever been. Essentially every aspect of our lives has been hurdled into the air...but every piece is still held by mighty hands. Despite the hurt and disappointment, I trust God's best for us. I know that He will provide what we truly need when we need it. So for now...we don't *need* a house...or the perfect birth plan....or the world's healthiest little boy. What we need is God's grace, and we are covered in it. We need his love and we are enveloped in it. We need His presence and we are surrounded by it. Little by little, we see pieces of His plan revealed. If I had not resigned, I would have to miss far more work than allotted, in order to care for myself and our son. If we had a house, we would have foster children. If we had foster children, the 2 weeks I need to spend in KC before the birth would be far more daunting. God is providing. May our hearts sing His praise long and loud as He continues to replace our plans with His, that HIS name be lifted high.
~Micah

Welcome!!!

"Unfading Beauty" blog has had a face lift!  All the posts from the old blog are still here; feel free to navigate them with the labels to the right. This updated blog has turned "Unfading Beauty" from my blog into OUR blog--"The Greatest of These." As Silas and I enter a new phase of life involving parenthood, inner-city ministry, foster care, stay-at-home-mom-hood, and whatever else the Lord may bring our way, our prayer is that this blog may be an uplifting place of transparency, truth, and God's glory. Silas has a special calling to preach God's Word, so he will be able to use the blog to share what God has laid on his heart. We chose the name The Greatest of These for two reasons:1 Corinthians 13:13: " Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love." We are overwhelmed by God's love for His people and pray that love may spill into our marriage, our children, and all who we come in contact with. The other reason is Matthew 25:40: “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" God has set our hearts ablaze with passion for those who are in need...those who the world sees as the least of these, but who are the greatest in the Kingdom of God. May God be glorified.

Dear 2014

Dear 2014,

You were perhaps the most life-changing 365 days I have experienced thus far. Between your bookends, I traveled to Haiti where my flame for missions was fanned. I buried my brother and began a journey of deepest hurt and healing. I graduated from college and moved to Wichita. I married my sweet Silas and am slowly beginning to learn to love and be loved as our Father loves. Marriage has brought the purest of joys while I have thrashed and questioned beneath the weight of commitment and the beautiful trial that is matrimony. I became a teacher and realized even further the depth of my passion for reaching those with special needs, and yet found myself drowning in the system. Friendships faded and I battled not feeling well for months. As I have many times before, I experienced loss, heartache, and the scorching blaze of refining fire. I felt the frozen fingers of bitterness squeezing the very life from my soul. I clawed and grasped in a desperate attempt to cling to all that has held my identity for 22 years, screaming at God to show up. I questioned, pleaded, and doubted. My Father faithfully dissolved, one by one, the idols that have held my identity captive for so long. I found myself flailing, no longer able to find fulfillment in anything but everything that HE is. As you draw to a close 2014, it could be easy to hope that this year is easier. I could wish for a year with less pain, less decisions, and less weakness. I could choose to ask for a year where I will be the one to shine, where my marriage will be a fairytale, where my career will be fulfilling and certain, where those I love are guaranteed safety. I could demand a nice house and the American dream. But then…where would the beauty be?  I am only here, I am only gifted, able, and beautifully formed in His image so that HE may be glorified! You were far from easy, 2014. But you were beautiful. The breath-taking handprint of the reigning King in unmistakably present within your each and every moment. I was held, I was refined, I was provided for, I was fought for. God faithfully stripped away that which marred His beauty in my life and gently tended to that which would make me more like Him. He has fought for my heart through my rejection, bitterness, and heartbreak. Therefore, I will welcome 2015 with expectation and excitement of how God will glorify Himself in the coming days. I know that the refining has only just begun. More idols will await their annihilation, more lessons must be learned, and more change than ever is on the horizon. Through it all, God will provide as He always has. Because of His sovereignty and goodness, I step forward with my husband in confidence and faith. I will choose to cling to my Faithful Father, to His promises, and to my husband. Together, Silas and I will hold with open hands all that He has given, taken, and is yet to give and take. GLORY be to the God most high, who lavishes His grace, favor, and blessing on His children. I praise Him for all that you were, 2014, and for all that 2015 is yet to reveal.

Sincerly, 

Micah Rachel Pederson

Gifts

I. Love. December.
Love it.
I love cold. I love lights. I love Christmas music. I love presents. I love snow. I love giving. I love family. I love break. I love food. I love celebrating Jesus. I love it all!
I always have and always will.
However, this year looks different....it feels different. Life is hard. So much change...so many decisions, pain, burdens, stresses, heartaches.
And this year, my brother is missing.
It didn't really hit me until today. Today, we were driving through my hometown and drove past his house. It looks so...different. Ben loved the Christmas season too. If he were still here, I would have seen him up on the roof today, moaning and groaning and wrestling Christmas lights while trying to conceal his own excitement. He would have teased me about my love for presents and pretended he wasn't going to get me anything this year. In my huge family, we draw names and buy a gift for one sibling...but Ben always got me a gift whether he drew my name or not. Something that was without-a-doubt----pink. And if it was pink AND glittery, he would be that much more likely to get it for me. Even when I really didn't need anything else pink, fluffy, and covered in glitter, Ben's gifts have always meant so much to me. He was one who gave from his heart. I knew that whatever gifts he gave, he thought long and hard about what would be most fitting. One of my very, very favorite things about December the last 4 years was the alone time I had with Ben. Because he worked for a college and I went to college, our breaks aligned. While everyone else was still working away, Ben and I would have a week or so each year just for us. We would shop...go out for ice cream...attempt to decorate....cook...and watch Christmas movies. I would watch him (NO JOKE) chug at least a half-gallon of egg nog a day. If it snowed, I would peek out the window as he stayed out all night in ridiculous temperatures to shovel the driveways of every house he could get to. Those special times with Ben were, and continue to be, such a treasure. There won't be any time with Ben this year. That's hard. It hurts. When I think about it, my stomach twists and my heart drops. I so badly want to make it stop, to somehow return Ben to us. I want to give into bitterness and anger. I want to scream, or break something, or pretend that Christmas...that LIFE...isn't really happening.
But is that what God wants for me? Does he really want me to allow my heart to harden? Is His desire for me to rob the joy of those around me, to close my eyes to beauty that could be?
Perhaps God wants to give me a gift this year which is different from any that I can fathom...the gift of giving..TRULY giving...of myself.  I desperately want to bring an offering, but what do I have to give? I cannot bring a flawless heart...I cannot bring wholeness or understanding or strength. Maybe what He wants is my brokenness...my sin, my weakness, my very need for all that He is. Perhaps instead of holding back, I can give. Perhaps the brokenness of my heart holds the wholeness of His grace. I will give from the beauty of these ashes, the treasure of these tears, the gift of this pain.
Beyond my flood of emotions, past my broken heart and rattled mind, a loving, understanding, all-knowing God is holding the pieces. Despite the aches, the hurts, and all that is, God is being glorified.
So this year...I will choose joy. I will choose celebration, openness, and love. I will choose to steal the glory from satan and lay it at the feet of the One who loved me enough to be born in a manger.

Inclusions

I'm a “new beginnings” kind of girl. I love new days...new places...new opportunities....and I LOVE the start of each New Year. At the beginning of each January, I take time to reflect and journal. I write a little bit about the events of the year and then I write a list of questions that I don't yet know the answer to, but will next year. I then write the answers to last year's questions that I now know. While I was completing this little tradition last year, God laid the name Esther on my heart. I read some about Esther and found that before she was brought before the king to see if she would be a suitable wife, she spent a year being made beautiful. One of my questions last year was: Will I get engaged this year? As I thought about Esther and the possibility of my own engagement in the near future, I decided I wanted to give the year 2013 to my Father to make me inwardly beautiful. In my mind, this meant that I was purposefully asking to be held in the refining fire for 12 months, and at the end of that 12 months, large amounts of my personal yuck would be gone and I would be a brilliant gem, ready to be a wife. There were specific character flaws that I saw in my own life that I was expecting God to eliminate. It was maybe going to be a tough year, but it would be GREAT at the end. You know the whole “His ways are higher than ours” verse? God saw my year of beautifying far different than I did. Rather than scrubbing away the few soiled spots I already saw, God showed me sin after sin after sin in my life that I didn't even know existed. After a couple months, I was worn from daily seeing myself through a new pair of eyes. I felt awful about myself and the state of my heart. I wanted to cry out, “THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT, FATHER!” Apparently, I was fine having sin in my life that was hidden...I just wanted the visible stuff gone. As I sat at the end of 2013, I felt anything but beautiful. I felt like a lump of filth that had been wholly exposed. I was disappointed and hurt. I was disappointed in God for not making me beautiful. I was disappointed in myself for being such a rotten person. Now, here I was engaged and feeling the farthest I had ever felt from being ready to be a Godly wife. As I brought these pains and questions before God, He met me in the sweetest of ways. He reminded me of the process of refining diamonds. Diamonds often have specks or imperfections in them that are called inclusions. The diamond refiner must spend time first cleaning off the outer grime and then fully examining the diamond under bright light and magnification to spot any inclusions before they can be removed. God really WAS making me beautiful...but in a much deeper way that I could have known. He is too good of a Father to just wipe away the outer grime...He loves me so much that He wants to dig deep that I may truly know and reflect Him. He is refining me in a way that will never be "finished" during my life on earth. I will not arrive at a place called "Beautiful"...I am instead on an amazing journey of growth and dependence on Him. Beauty is reflected in and through this journey of my priceless relationship with Him. Now, He is teaching me to rejoice in all that He has brought to light because it is not my job to purify myself. Of course I become depressed when I am prideful enough to believe I must remove all the inclusions! But what joy I am finding in discovering grace and the peace of knowing my God is good enough to truly refine His daughter. I do not feel ready to be a Godly wife...but I now know that I don't have to. As I am faithful to respond to His leading and lean fully on His grace, He will provide, He will show Himself through me, and He will give me great delight in the journey. My own engagement ring has one little black inclusion in it...rather than an imperfection, what a precious reminder of grace and unconditional love.

"In Him, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace..."

~Ephesians 1:7~

Picture: http://www.diamondsourceva.com

Pre-Marriage Prayer

Father,

I sit here in awe of Your love for me. You are a giver of such good gifts and now you have given me the gift of a husband-to-be, of coming marriage. I never could have fathomed the beauty, pain, or blessing of Your plan. For years, I longed to glimpse this piece of Your beautiful plan for my life...and now I see. I see the intentions of the man who will be my husband. I see the integrity, honor, and character you have grown in him for 22 years. I see the way he loves me. I see his dimples, hear his laughter, and squeeze his hand. I see that Your plan for my life includes becoming one with an incredible man after Your own heart. I see....and yet I still see so little. You have done so much, and yet You have so much left to do! There is so much I still do not see....but for so long now, I have seen that You are good. Marriage will be such a leap of faith for me. It means I must continue becoming less and less. It means I must sacrifice myself and my desires more each day than the day before. It means I must admit failure, seek forgiveness, and forgive all the more. It means I have the terrifying honor of handing over my patched-together trust and fragile heart. I need You more than ever. Give us a marriage instead of just a wedding. In the times when we are drowning beneath the wave of demand for frills, dollar signs, and selfishness, lock our gaze on You. Grow us in the months to come more than ever before. May the outpouring of our hearts and attitudes before, during, and after this wedding brilliantly reflect You. Thank You, Father, for this amazing man I will call my husband. Thank you for being near and sustaining me through the years of painful waiting. Prepare me to be the woman of God who can complete this man in Your image. May the wonder and awe of this gift be only beginning and may it grow only greater for Your glory with time.   

Amen.

Just Jesus

Desire. This word can represent excitement, anticipation, pain, patience, and a whole lot of waiting. I've always been a person driven by desires and passions for, people, missions, goals, experiences, etc. Desire is something I have known well and continue to know well. I desire many things, and the things I desire are good things at face value. I desire things that are "Christian approved." Therefore, I have always believed that my desires will be fulfilled in due time...in my time really, but I made sure to use the label "God's timing."  It often feels like much of my life has been filled with waiting...waiting for a certain time in my life, waiting to be ready for certain things, waiting for God to give me what I have always asked for. I often have unknowingly held the mindset that if I am a good enough "wanter," God will give me what I want. If a girl has been praying for her future husband since she was 8 years old, God had better give her a good one, right? If she has been praying for, looking toward, and readying herself for adopting children with special needs from the time she was 6, God is going to give her this as soon as it is technically possible....right? On and on it goes. The time in my life that I have been waiting for is fast approaching. In just two short years, I will be a college graduate. In the world of Micah, that has been equal to the time of getting married, having kids, adopting kids with special needs, moving to an inner-city area, and reaching out to women involved in sex-trafficking for as long as I can remember. Recently, my thought life has been brimming with thoughts of the future, but not in the same way I always imagined it would be at this time in my life. As I look to the years ahead, my timeline is beginning to crumble. My passions are still present and strong, but I am being hit in the heart with the humility of my humanity. I could try to match my timeline...I could do my very best to fulfill all these passionate desires in the next few years and maybe even succeed. But I have begun to realize that it is not really my desires that I desire. Would I still love to have these experiences? Oh yes! But more than anything...I long for Jesus. Just Jesus. My passions still have a deep presence in my life, but their presence has moved from the clouds to the altar. I know that I don't want to write my own story, I don't want to be in charge. I'd so much rather place my heart in the hands of God and allow Him to be the author. Sometimes, it is scary to release so much that is so dear to me and a defining part of who I am. The truth is that it can hurt to think of things not turning out how I want them to. But then I remember that what God does will be far more beautiful than I am even capable of dreaming of. Maybe my dreams being fulfilled exactly as I want them to be would be a disappointment compared to what God will do with this heart and life of mine if I let Him. Dear Father, here's my heart. Here's the pen. May I have the courage and wisdom to follow You open-hearted.
Picture from: http://edwardrecommends.com

Peaceful Restlessness

Life in Christ is so wild....so brimming with fun and such beauty! Every time I begin to dwell on life, not just life on this earth, but the true life with eternal value that we have been given, my mind is blown. I think one of the greatest things about life is that it is always changing. No matter how much we try to take control or tell God the plans for our lives, His plans always rule and are far more exciting and perfect than our own! Since the beginning of the school year this year, I feel more than ever that I have no idea what to expect every day. Life as an RA (resident assistant) is amazing...busy, crazy, out of control at times, and so very full of passion. Each day I awake and go to sleep to 22 girls who I have the incredible privilege of pouring into! No matter how much I do or don't give during the day, I go to bed each night with my head swimming with new ideas about how to love them. ! More than ever this year, I feel passion. Passion for so many things, passion that is out of control, passion that couldn't come from me in myself. These passions burn within me for the lost, the broken, and opportunities to pour out unconditional love. God is not only growing passions I have had for a while, but planting new ones within me. I have 'always' seemed to have a passion for those with special needs and that passion continues to grow as I am given more and more opportunities in this area of ministry. My passion for adoption, especially of those with special needs has remained, but God is giving me new insight and the freedom and boldness to daily pray that He would set aside children He desires me to be a mother to one day. My passion for inner city ministry has remained in my heart and has grown immensely as I have become more involved in an urban ministry program, which God has blessed incredibly this semester. And the last few months, a new passion has exploded within me: A deep desire to love, minister to, and share true life with those living in prostitution and sex trafficking. Some days, I feel so RESTLESS! I want to be living in a big city NOW! I want to know NOW if I will marry and adopt, I want to be working women in prostitution NOW! But then as often as I become restless, I laugh to myself, shake my head, and take a step back. I am reminded again and again how extremely vital this period in my life is! Where I am right now is not only a huge ministry in itself, but it is also the training ground for the rest of my life! If God's will for my life includes marriage, these are the only years as a single person I may ever have--it is a time set aside for such growth, maturing, and discovery. My position as an RA is a huge ministry, one that is daily stretching me, teaching me, and preparing me for the next area of ministry I am being called to. It is pouring myself into where I am now and who I am around now that will bring me to the place I need to be before God will lead me to something else. And so within this restlessness, there is such an incredible peace. Peace as I see how God has given me the ministries I have asked for so far, peace as I feel challenged, peace as I fail sometimes and succeed at other times. There is a deep itch inside me to grow, to move, to love, to share, to have more and more, and MORE ministry! But as equally strong as this itch is such incredible joy and peace, rooted in the knowledge of a God who so intimately knows me and leads me, handing me what He knows I am ready for today, and giving me a passion for that which I will be ready for tomorrow. I do not desire the peace without the restlessness, for then I may be unwilling to move. I do not desire the restlessness without the peace, for then I may miss an incredible piece of who God is creating me to be and who He is allowing me to touch. So, here I stand in this wondrous life led by an incredible God--not running blindly, not sitting unmoving, but keeping my eyes upward as I take each careful step, knowing that He is laying before me one remarkable journey.
(Image from: littlestomaks.com)