A Womanly Warrior

Written largely in bold black marker across my mirror are the words, "Did you spend more time beautifying your inside or outside today?" This phrase became a part of my life last year when I realized that I would spend 30 minutes getting ready in the morning and then try to cram 10 minutes of time with God into my 'busy' day. I began to realize how warped this was. I would spend 30 minutes on something each day that would maybe last 12 hours, and in the long run, wouldn't last more than a few years on earth. In fact, everything I tediously prepared each morning could be gone instantly. Yet, the beautifying of the one thing I have that will last an eternity was a rushed "to-do" I was anxious to check off my list each day. Something didn't line up. My solution came in the form of the phrase "Did you spend more time beautifying your inside or outside today?" I made sure that I never spent more time getting ready physically than I did spending time with my Savior. It was an incredibly profound discovery in my life and really helped me balance some perspectives. So for the last year, I have done my very best to spend more time beautifying my inside than my outside each day. More than just a comparison of times on the clock, it became a way of life, purpose, and focus. However, in recent weeks, I must say that I haven't felt very "beautified" on the inside. Instead, I have felt like a weary warrior in rusted armor, my hair hanging in clumpy strands, nails broken and uneven, with soot streaked across my rugged face. I have found my heart overcome with negativity. There has been a dark cloud over my heart, dragging me down as it hangs in an atmosphere slithering with the whispers of Satan's destruction. Not only have I been thinking of others in a negative light, I have been tearing myself to pieces, morning to night. Everything in me has been crying out for affirmation from those around me, and yet I isolate myself because I don't want to drag my closest brothers and sisters in Christ down. I have doubted every ability I have to beautify my inside. I desperately wanted to hear of my value in Christ, but I heard Satan listing the reasons I am cheapened. I wanted to radiate the beauty of Christ more than ever, more than anything....but I ached with the weight of guilt caused by the battle within me, and found myself feeling burdened and helpless inside. I have been so weak. The Bible says that when we are weak, it is then that we are strong. Even in the darkness I have felt, the light of this truth has been peeking through. As these dark few weeks come to an end, I am finding that I am thankful for the battle that took place, rather than feeling guilty. If it wasn't a battle, I would have lost. But because it was a battle, I know that God is on my side! Even when lies felt so consuming, the peace of truth whispered around my heart. Even when hopelessness was being danced in front of me, I could feel the pull of a greater dance, a greater Dancer! And even in the times when I would have been willing to take up the labels of everything but beautiful, the power of Christ in my being held tight to the label HE has given me: Beautiful...Redeemed...Cherished...Fought For....LOVED. I look back at where I have been for the last 3 weeks, and the one thing that is traceable is the hand of a mighty God. The stench of darkness is overcome by the intoxicating fragrance of a Father's love and His willingness to fight for and claim His daughter. I was reminded again and again that it is not I who ultimately beautifies my inward being...it is He. Beautifying my inside does not simply come from the minutes I count on the clock as I read my Bible each day. It comes from the flame of the refining fire, from the victory of battles won in Christ alone, and the sweetness of being a woman who is held so closely to the heart of the One True God. I commit to spending more time beautifying my inside than outside each day. This task becomes a lifestyle as I realize that every moment is a chance to soak the beauty of Christ into my own heart, whether through time in His word, through embracing the least of these, or perhaps becoming a warrior in a battle I am destined to win. Beauty doesn't have to come through a process that is dainty and breakable...it might just come from the strength found in midst of a raging battle.

Photo: http://www.123rf.com

Dear Husband...

Two years ago, I began writing letters to my future husband. I had heard of someone else doing this and figured it would be a good outlet for my explosive desire for a man. At first, I wrote fairly frequently. But as time marched on, I realized that I was writing to my non-existent husband nearly as much as I would journal or write to God. Rather than helping me control my desire for the future, my 'husband journal' was fueling my desire as it became an outpouring of my impatience. When I realized this, I stopped writing all together for a while and then slowly began writing again, though very rarely. As I look back through these letters, they put into words the heart of a girl who has felt alone, overcome by desire for the future, and unable to be beautiful and cherished until paired with an earthly man. Although the letters often contained phrases such as "But God's timing is perfect and I will wait patiently," they were written more out of an obligation than a true trust in God's hand on my life. The last several months, God has been doing so much work in me. He is renewing my mind and rewriting my heart. Today, I wrote my future husband for the first time in a long while. It wasn't until I was signing my name at the end of the letter that I realized how different this letter was from the others. Rather than telling my husband how desperately I wanted to know who he was, I told him how peaceful I am. Rather than crying out because I want him to be here to make me beautiful, I was able to tell him that I AM beautiful and look forward to the day when I can share that beauty....CHRIST's beauty....with one special man. This letter spoke of God's faithfulness rather than my own impatience. This change happened so quietly, so unseen...but it did not go unnoticed. My heart is brimming with so much peace. Not peace because I know the truth in my head, but peace because the truth is consuming my heart from the inside out. God is so faithful! How could I want anything more that what my Father is doing at this very moment? If I skip a single moment, a single joy, a single hurt, I would be ripping holes in His precious painting. I am resting in His providence while running in His will, I am finding His peace while searching in His heart, and I am falling in love with my true beloved while standing tall on His promises each and every day. Do I still fail? Oh yes! Far too often to count. But I am learning to ooo and aaa over the Artist's work rather than grabbing His hand in desperation, attempting to make the painting turn out how I want it to. Day by day, miracle by miracle,tear by tear, joy by joy, I watch my Father painting something more beautiful than my simple mind can ever comprehend!

Picture from: http://dailyblogma.com

Heart Keeper

The other day, I was having a rare, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. I had reached the point of feeling so discouraged I felt rather worthless. A dear friend of mine gave me a gift card and sent me to a local coffee shop for a date with Jesus. At first I didn't even know what to say to Him. Our communication line felt so clogged with the lies I was believing. I told Him all I could do was listen. I desperately pleaded for Him to tell me what I needed to hear. Beyond that, I had no words. As I sat, two words kept coming to my mind. "Soul Keeper...Soul Keeper...Soul Keeper." Not finding these words very helpful, I continued to beg God to reach out to me, to reveal to me what was happening inside of me! But again: "Soul keeper....soul keeper...soul keeper." After moments of sitting there, I began to understand. Who had I been allowing to be the keeper of not just my soul, but my heart, and my worth? Everyone BUT God. I was letting my friends be the keepers of my heart and soul, and so I would compare myself to them and fall short as a friend and Chrsitian. I would let the girls on my floor be the keepers of my heart and soul, and again, I would fall short, this time as an RA. Again and I again I could think of people I was allowing to be my keeper, people OTHER than my Heavenly Father. This realization was so simple, so freeing. In the moments that followed, I wrote this poem.

Heart Keeper

My heart is longing for a keeper

One who knows, yet loves me deeper

He would not be your average joe

But would protect me and watch me grow

He would not woo with empty words

But through his love I’d be assured

He’d never say ‘you’re not good enough’

But hold me gently when the way is tough

He would not focus on my outer shell

But glimpse my heart and know all is well

When the key to my heart he’s been granted to hold

He will know he’s beholding beauty untold

He would never lead me from the path to stray

But in safety and purity help me to stay

He wouldn’t choose my sin to ignore

But confront me in truth, my freedom to soar

A tear of mine he would not look past

But he’d hear my heartache and hold me fast

Could there be one who does exist?

Could my own Beloved be in my midst?

The search is painful, lonely, and dark

This sinful world has left its mark.

I could give my heart to all who ask

But then I’d be desolate, my pain to mask.

My heart has finally found its keeper

The One whose love is stronger and deeper

I’ll never know why I choose to feel

Unwanted, unloved, my beauty concealed

For He knows my value, beauty and worth,

It was by His hand my life was brought forth

This Keeper does not hide behind His pride

But in utmost humility, He suffered and died

He never asks me to perform

The mistakes I make He never does scorn

Instead He lifts me from the shame

Whispers ‘I love you’ and calls me by name

He does not ask that I try to repay

But simply that Him, I trust and obey

All along He has carried me through

And I find to Him all my praise is due.

I search and search when all along

He is the One whose love is my song

To Him alone I do fully give

Not just my soul, but the life I do live.

He is the lover who holds my heart

Whose known me and claimed me from the very start

With sweet delight over me He sings

As I’m being transformed by the King of Kings

He alone is worthy to possess

The key to my all, for I’m His princess.

He's enthralled by my beauty, no matter the day

For He sees my heart and made it that way

Heart keeper of mine, it’s you I do choose

And for You alone, my life I do lose.

Hold me, keep me, with me dance and sway

For my heart is Yours and this I do pray

My selfishness, pride, and self-glory to fall

For it’s all about You, I’m truly so small.

All glory to You, Precious Father and King

May my life be a selfless offering

Image from: http://www.graphicshunt.com