In the last few weeks, I have been digging up some things that I thought I would never choose to--things that were so painful, the very memory makes me cringe. Yet, as I have felt led to pull out my shovel, I have become so aware of the importance of my past. After all, it is a huge part of who I am. Without it, I would not be where I am and would not see and know God the way I do. Starting from as far back as I can remember, I faced fear and uncertainty. I spent 14 years of my life thinking that I was unwanted, especially by God. My heart was so full of bitterness, lies, and fear that everything was distorted. I remember crying every night before bed and praying that God would save me again. Every day I was sure that I had lost my salvation and God was disgusted with me. I wanted Him so badly, but was just sure that He couldn't want me. When I think back, it bothers me to realize what is being done for broken kids, if anything. From personal experience, I can tell you that talking with an unbeliever for an hour every week and drawing pictures of my fears didn't get me very far. I know intentions were pure, but even for a six-year-old, Christ has got to be the answer that is given. Anyway, it wasn't until I was 14 that things began to change. For the first time, I realized that God not only accepted me, He desired me. It was one of the most incredible realizations ever. I know that some people must have presented me with this information, but my heart had never been ready for it. This time, it wasn't any special sermon or someone saying just the right words. It was simply a very broken girl falling on her face and begging for love. It almost brought more fear! For as long as I could remember, that had made up who I was. It was like letting the biggest part of myself go in order to start from scratch. Yet, I took the risk because I had nowhere else to go but to the foot of the cross. Everything didn't change in that night because I had (and still have....) a long way to go. But for the first time, my heart was soft and my ears were open. That time four years ago seems so far away now. So much has changed and come and gone. In fact, it is kinda crazy to reflect back now because it seems like the trials and pain have only increased. The difference is, I am on the winning side. Even though I sometimes think it would be nice to forget anything painful that happened before I was 14, I know that my past will always be a very precious part of me. Without it, God's grace and love would be so diluted. Although the pain and sorrow still resurfaces, with it come the words: "Faithful, so very faithful, is He."
