Welcome!!!

"Unfading Beauty" blog has had a face lift!  All the posts from the old blog are still here; feel free to navigate them with the labels to the right. This updated blog has turned "Unfading Beauty" from my blog into OUR blog--"The Greatest of These." As Silas and I enter a new phase of life involving parenthood, inner-city ministry, foster care, stay-at-home-mom-hood, and whatever else the Lord may bring our way, our prayer is that this blog may be an uplifting place of transparency, truth, and God's glory. Silas has a special calling to preach God's Word, so he will be able to use the blog to share what God has laid on his heart. We chose the name The Greatest of These for two reasons:1 Corinthians 13:13: " Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love." We are overwhelmed by God's love for His people and pray that love may spill into our marriage, our children, and all who we come in contact with. The other reason is Matthew 25:40: “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" God has set our hearts ablaze with passion for those who are in need...those who the world sees as the least of these, but who are the greatest in the Kingdom of God. May God be glorified.

If Only...

 Three months. Three months isn’t a great deal of time…but for me, the last 3 months have marked some of the longest of my 22 years. Three months ago, I stood on stage with a pounding heart and gave myself to a Godly man. I committed to walk life alongside him, to honor him, serve him, and love him.  When I spoke those words before a sanctuary of witnesses, I knew they were weighty words. I knew they were important and life changing. I knew I was making a promise for the good, the bad, and the ugly. What I didn’t know was that I was making the decision to be weak, broken, and challenged as I had never been before.  I didn’t know how often and how drastically I would fail to uphold these vows. I didn’t know that I was opening myself to a time of deep pain and complete exposure. I would’ve said that I knew… but I certainly didn’t understand. In the last three months, my dirtiest, most hidden filth has broken through the surface of my heart and spilled into the view of not only myself, but of my husband. I have done and said the most hurtful things perhaps of my entire life. I have deeply wounded my husband and my Heavenly Father and chosen to reject the forgiveness of both time and time again. After all the planning, lace, and sparkles floated away, I found myself…disappointed. Disappointed in myself for desiring to be a wife for so long and then being horrible at it...disappointed in God for “making” me believe in the beauty of something and then leaving me hanging. It has been HARD. I share these things not because I am itching to air my dirty laundry, because I want to bash marriage, or because I am proud of where my heart has been the last three months. I share these things because they are not the end of the story. I share them because my heart is aching to be honest, to speak to hearts and break through the world’s shallow perceptions of not only marriage, but life and our lack of contentment with it. If there is one word I believe God wants to teach me right now, it is contentment. For 22 years, I have been overwhelmed by the desire for the next step: As a child, I wanted to be a teenager. As a teenager, I couldn’t wait to be a college girl. As a college girl, I believed I was far past ready to be married. As a new bride, I still ache for more: when will we have a more wide-spread ministry? When we will have a better marriage? When will we be parents? When can we adopt? On…and on…and on. Time and time again, I allow my thoughts and my fears to rage, controlling my “trust” in God and my willingness to rest in His providence. All this time, my Father has been whispering to my heart, “Rest in me. Trust my goodness. Rest.” My stubborn, controlling, sinful heart has said that I trust Him, and yet I take things into my own hands again and again. Marriage hasn’t been all of what I expected it to be….but God is using it to make me beautiful and to make Himself known to me. I often miss the days when I was independent…when I didn’t have to need another person. I could come as go as I wanted, have time with God without the possibility of someone walking into the living room at anytime, and pour myself out in ministry endlessly. Marriage is hard and messy and refining….and beautiful. I am excited to watch God be glorified as our marriage continues to grow. I am deeply loved by an incredible man of God. I have a partner, a constant listener and encourager. I have the opportunity to love and encourage my husband and to grow beneath him and alongside him. Most of all, I have the opportunity to seek and know my God in ways I have not before.  If you are at the time in your life where you are single, enjoy it. Love it. Soak it up! How blessed you are to have these sweet years of intimacy with God! Not that marriage takes away intimacy with God, but it is a time of adjustment and learning how to seek God separately and alongside your spouse. If you are married without children….love it! Soak it up! Go for spontaneous ice cream dates at 11pm, travel, minister! If you are married with children, if you are 50 and single, if you are 89….LOVE it. Soak it up! It is true that no matter the life stage we are in, there will be something to miss when the next stage comes and some things that are less than ideal. Too often, we are so set on looking and dreaming ahead that we miss what God is doing now and what He has already done My God is wise. He is love and His plans for His children are good. No matter where I am (or am not) in life, it is my new mission to thank Him always…thank Him for the hard and the opportunities to grow. Thank Him for the good, the exciting, the fulfilled dreams, the new dreams… and the dreams that are to die off. He IS good. He IS worthy. It is only in knowing Him that we know anything good…and through Him, wherever He leads is brimming with blessing.

"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength." 

-Philippians 4:11-13-

Enough is Enough

Life on earth is hard. You’d think that a 22 year old would know this by now. I guess I keep thinking that each new season is required to have some kind of deal attached, obligating this season to be a fraction easier than the last. That’s not the way it works….it’s not the way God works. I knew marriage wouldn’t be easy--I had read the books, listened to the radio programs, soaked in the advice. Marriage is a refining fire, a magnifying glass bringing to light flaws I worked for 22 years to keep off the radar. I was prepared for this to happen…but I wasn’t prepared to be broken by it. Don't get me wrong...I am married to the most faithful, loving, grace-giving man of God I could fathom...but marriage is a marathon. I knew teaching would be extremely hard.  I knew that entering a time in life when everything is new would not be a walk in the park, but I had no idea the heartache this new season would bring. I have been blessed with a faith in God that trusts through storm after storm. But I have always had the crutch of “strength” and identity. I have been surrounded for so long by situations that allow me to place my identity in them. I have poured out in any ministry I could get my hands and heart in. I have babysat any and every little person I can convince the parents to leave with me. I have poured my life into kids with special needs. I have pursued good grades, good relationships. I have been strong in these things…but was I really? Suddenly, I find myself at a time in life where I am involved in far fewer things than I ever have been. I am a wife…I am a teacher…and that’s about it.  The kicker is, both of these things are things that are new, hard, and areas I am far, FAR less than decent in. The “strong” Micah is suddenly a wife who struggles to be vulnerable, who fights to find a heart desiring to serve her husband at all times. The “strong” Micah is a teacher who doesn’t have a clue how to manage a classroom, meet the academic needs of students, or convey love and grace to 8 precious students when all she is trying to do is survive. The “strong” Micah is finally admitting that the death of her brother overwhelms her…that she dreams of him, cries over him, and misses him beyond measure. I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. In the last 2 months, I have doubted the very existence of God and especially His attentiveness to my heart. I have tried to pray day after day only to find I still have no words. I have demanded He show up…and been left feeling very much alone. For a girl who desperately needs to feel needed and purposeful to have an identify, being content to be weak and simply trust God through a new season is extremely painful. One day last week, Silas prayed and thanked God for giving us enough to get through the day. “What does that even mean?” I spouted. “Every day we pray for God to give us just enough for the day…and every night we thank Him for giving us enough. But does He really? I am barely surviving! Is that enough? Is it enough as long as we don’t die?” I have been thinking about what “enough” means a lot since then. For me, enough used to mean my day was filled with giddy, joyful moments. It meant an overflow of peace…an abundance of earthly and spiritual blessing. It meant being needed and being strong. It meant a closeness with God that made my heart skip beats and prayers that flowed without too much effort. My enough no longer looks like that…at least right now, in this season. But I am realizing that enough is still enough. Enough has become the fact that I belong to a God who loves me too much to give me a season where my knees will not buckle before His throne beneath the weight of life’s pain. Enough is the distant truth that I am loved when I am unlovable. Enough is a husband who forgives me day after day after day. Enough is paras who are gracious and knowledgeable and support me through the school hours. My enough is not found in strength or an identity found in what I do…my enough is found in my weakness. Enough is the ashes of a shattered heart from which beauty WILL rise.  I am broken…that is enough. I am weaker than I have ever been…that is enough.  I am lonely…that is enough. I am grieving…He is holding me…that is enough. I will choose to praise God through this pain…praise Him that He has been gracious enough to provide me with a time in life when I am not the strong one. I will praise Him for a husband that I can learn alongside and be broken with. I will praise Him for a school year of learning. I will praise Him because He is still on the throne… He is still the King of My Heart…He is still...enough.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness..."

-2 Corinthians 12: 9-

True Love Doesn't Wait

When Ben died, the one belonging of his that I desired to have was a ring he wore that said “True Love Waits.” Ben wore this ring as a symbol of his commitment to remain sexually pure. I too had a ring that I wore for this purpose. This is a hard commitment to make ....but it was a blessing to have a brother to share that commitment with. We had heart to hearts time and time again about our desire to have and be a spouse one day. We talked about potential spouses we were interested in and he often asked my advice on how to be a man that Godly women would take notice of. He never held back from telling me men he did or didn’t 

approve of for me...most of which he didn’t. ;) We even took pictures of our hands with our purity rings together.

That ring of his meant a lot to me...more than I can ever put into words. But on the day of his funeral, I learned I wouldn’t be able to be the keeper of his ring. Instead, it remained on his hand as his casket was closed for the final time and I watched the body of my brother, all I knew of him here on earth, disappear into the ground. My heart broke so hard. On the day of his burial, that ring on his hand is what broke me. For me, it was an image of unfulfilled dreams. A Godly man who had hoped for 28 years to be a husband and father...not out of selfishness, but because he wanted to fully love his wife, his children, and His God. He wanted to break the chains of divorce and Satan’s lies that his own family had experienced. But 

it didn’t happen. It was done...it was over...he was gone. True love had waited...and now that ring still encircled his finger, a reminder of everything that wasn't...never to be exchanged for a ring representing marriage. For weeks, these thoughts tormented me. Some days, they still do. But God is teaching me a different meaning of “True Love Waits.” Some people desperately want to marry and believe in “True Love Waits” so they do just that...they wait. They wait with lacking gratitude. They wait with entitlement, believing they deserve a spouse and they can’t blink or they might overlook who it is supposed to be. They wait...and wait...and wait. And perhaps they do get married one day, but they continue to wait. They wait for marriage to be the magic they dreamed of. They wait for their spouse to measure up. They wait...and wait. But Ben didn't wait. Yes, he had a desire for God’s gift of marriage, but he never stopped running. He ran to serve those around him. He ran to love and heal his family. He ran to become the man God was creating him to be. Ben did not have the disability so many of us do...he wasn't waiting for ideal circumstances, for God to give what Ben demanded. I have no doubt in my mind that Ben would have been an amazing husband and an amazing father. I have no doubt that God could have raised up a generation through Ben that would have seen freedom. And a lot of times, I don’t understand why this isn't what happened. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. I wanted this for Ben. But that is not the story that has been written. Ben saved himself for marriage and that is beautiful. Ben impacted life after life and that is beautiful. Ben never lived his dream of marrying the woman of his dreams. Instead, he met his bridegroom...he stands before God, his stains covered in the grace of Jesus, his heart more full of joy than an earthly marriage could have ever brought him....and that....is beautiful. For Ben, true love didn't wait. It ran to those in need, it served, it grew, it overcame, it carried on. Now, the ring on my finger had been replaced with a new ring...a ring representing my commitment to my husband and my God. It is my hope and prayer that I might live, now as a married woman, as Ben did...may I have a true love that doesn't wait. 

The day before my wedding, my sweet brother in law gave me a precious gift. It is an exact copy of Ben’s ring....and on the inside is an engraving. It simply says: Heaven Rejoices. Heaven DOES rejoice! And I will choose to also. I don’t understand...I hurt...I miss....I long....but I rejoice in the life, legacy, and love of my brother...a true love that never waited.

Pre-Marriage Prayer

Father,

I sit here in awe of Your love for me. You are a giver of such good gifts and now you have given me the gift of a husband-to-be, of coming marriage. I never could have fathomed the beauty, pain, or blessing of Your plan. For years, I longed to glimpse this piece of Your beautiful plan for my life...and now I see. I see the intentions of the man who will be my husband. I see the integrity, honor, and character you have grown in him for 22 years. I see the way he loves me. I see his dimples, hear his laughter, and squeeze his hand. I see that Your plan for my life includes becoming one with an incredible man after Your own heart. I see....and yet I still see so little. You have done so much, and yet You have so much left to do! There is so much I still do not see....but for so long now, I have seen that You are good. Marriage will be such a leap of faith for me. It means I must continue becoming less and less. It means I must sacrifice myself and my desires more each day than the day before. It means I must admit failure, seek forgiveness, and forgive all the more. It means I have the terrifying honor of handing over my patched-together trust and fragile heart. I need You more than ever. Give us a marriage instead of just a wedding. In the times when we are drowning beneath the wave of demand for frills, dollar signs, and selfishness, lock our gaze on You. Grow us in the months to come more than ever before. May the outpouring of our hearts and attitudes before, during, and after this wedding brilliantly reflect You. Thank You, Father, for this amazing man I will call my husband. Thank you for being near and sustaining me through the years of painful waiting. Prepare me to be the woman of God who can complete this man in Your image. May the wonder and awe of this gift be only beginning and may it grow only greater for Your glory with time.   

Amen.