Just Jesus

Desire. This word can represent excitement, anticipation, pain, patience, and a whole lot of waiting. I've always been a person driven by desires and passions for, people, missions, goals, experiences, etc. Desire is something I have known well and continue to know well. I desire many things, and the things I desire are good things at face value. I desire things that are "Christian approved." Therefore, I have always believed that my desires will be fulfilled in due time...in my time really, but I made sure to use the label "God's timing."  It often feels like much of my life has been filled with waiting...waiting for a certain time in my life, waiting to be ready for certain things, waiting for God to give me what I have always asked for. I often have unknowingly held the mindset that if I am a good enough "wanter," God will give me what I want. If a girl has been praying for her future husband since she was 8 years old, God had better give her a good one, right? If she has been praying for, looking toward, and readying herself for adopting children with special needs from the time she was 6, God is going to give her this as soon as it is technically possible....right? On and on it goes. The time in my life that I have been waiting for is fast approaching. In just two short years, I will be a college graduate. In the world of Micah, that has been equal to the time of getting married, having kids, adopting kids with special needs, moving to an inner-city area, and reaching out to women involved in sex-trafficking for as long as I can remember. Recently, my thought life has been brimming with thoughts of the future, but not in the same way I always imagined it would be at this time in my life. As I look to the years ahead, my timeline is beginning to crumble. My passions are still present and strong, but I am being hit in the heart with the humility of my humanity. I could try to match my timeline...I could do my very best to fulfill all these passionate desires in the next few years and maybe even succeed. But I have begun to realize that it is not really my desires that I desire. Would I still love to have these experiences? Oh yes! But more than anything...I long for Jesus. Just Jesus. My passions still have a deep presence in my life, but their presence has moved from the clouds to the altar. I know that I don't want to write my own story, I don't want to be in charge. I'd so much rather place my heart in the hands of God and allow Him to be the author. Sometimes, it is scary to release so much that is so dear to me and a defining part of who I am. The truth is that it can hurt to think of things not turning out how I want them to. But then I remember that what God does will be far more beautiful than I am even capable of dreaming of. Maybe my dreams being fulfilled exactly as I want them to be would be a disappointment compared to what God will do with this heart and life of mine if I let Him. Dear Father, here's my heart. Here's the pen. May I have the courage and wisdom to follow You open-hearted.
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