Gifts

I. Love. December.
Love it.
I love cold. I love lights. I love Christmas music. I love presents. I love snow. I love giving. I love family. I love break. I love food. I love celebrating Jesus. I love it all!
I always have and always will.
However, this year looks different....it feels different. Life is hard. So much change...so many decisions, pain, burdens, stresses, heartaches.
And this year, my brother is missing.
It didn't really hit me until today. Today, we were driving through my hometown and drove past his house. It looks so...different. Ben loved the Christmas season too. If he were still here, I would have seen him up on the roof today, moaning and groaning and wrestling Christmas lights while trying to conceal his own excitement. He would have teased me about my love for presents and pretended he wasn't going to get me anything this year. In my huge family, we draw names and buy a gift for one sibling...but Ben always got me a gift whether he drew my name or not. Something that was without-a-doubt----pink. And if it was pink AND glittery, he would be that much more likely to get it for me. Even when I really didn't need anything else pink, fluffy, and covered in glitter, Ben's gifts have always meant so much to me. He was one who gave from his heart. I knew that whatever gifts he gave, he thought long and hard about what would be most fitting. One of my very, very favorite things about December the last 4 years was the alone time I had with Ben. Because he worked for a college and I went to college, our breaks aligned. While everyone else was still working away, Ben and I would have a week or so each year just for us. We would shop...go out for ice cream...attempt to decorate....cook...and watch Christmas movies. I would watch him (NO JOKE) chug at least a half-gallon of egg nog a day. If it snowed, I would peek out the window as he stayed out all night in ridiculous temperatures to shovel the driveways of every house he could get to. Those special times with Ben were, and continue to be, such a treasure. There won't be any time with Ben this year. That's hard. It hurts. When I think about it, my stomach twists and my heart drops. I so badly want to make it stop, to somehow return Ben to us. I want to give into bitterness and anger. I want to scream, or break something, or pretend that Christmas...that LIFE...isn't really happening.
But is that what God wants for me? Does he really want me to allow my heart to harden? Is His desire for me to rob the joy of those around me, to close my eyes to beauty that could be?
Perhaps God wants to give me a gift this year which is different from any that I can fathom...the gift of giving..TRULY giving...of myself.  I desperately want to bring an offering, but what do I have to give? I cannot bring a flawless heart...I cannot bring wholeness or understanding or strength. Maybe what He wants is my brokenness...my sin, my weakness, my very need for all that He is. Perhaps instead of holding back, I can give. Perhaps the brokenness of my heart holds the wholeness of His grace. I will give from the beauty of these ashes, the treasure of these tears, the gift of this pain.
Beyond my flood of emotions, past my broken heart and rattled mind, a loving, understanding, all-knowing God is holding the pieces. Despite the aches, the hurts, and all that is, God is being glorified.
So this year...I will choose joy. I will choose celebration, openness, and love. I will choose to steal the glory from satan and lay it at the feet of the One who loved me enough to be born in a manger.