A Womanly Warrior

Written largely in bold black marker across my mirror are the words, "Did you spend more time beautifying your inside or outside today?" This phrase became a part of my life last year when I realized that I would spend 30 minutes getting ready in the morning and then try to cram 10 minutes of time with God into my 'busy' day. I began to realize how warped this was. I would spend 30 minutes on something each day that would maybe last 12 hours, and in the long run, wouldn't last more than a few years on earth. In fact, everything I tediously prepared each morning could be gone instantly. Yet, the beautifying of the one thing I have that will last an eternity was a rushed "to-do" I was anxious to check off my list each day. Something didn't line up. My solution came in the form of the phrase "Did you spend more time beautifying your inside or outside today?" I made sure that I never spent more time getting ready physically than I did spending time with my Savior. It was an incredibly profound discovery in my life and really helped me balance some perspectives. So for the last year, I have done my very best to spend more time beautifying my inside than my outside each day. More than just a comparison of times on the clock, it became a way of life, purpose, and focus. However, in recent weeks, I must say that I haven't felt very "beautified" on the inside. Instead, I have felt like a weary warrior in rusted armor, my hair hanging in clumpy strands, nails broken and uneven, with soot streaked across my rugged face. I have found my heart overcome with negativity. There has been a dark cloud over my heart, dragging me down as it hangs in an atmosphere slithering with the whispers of Satan's destruction. Not only have I been thinking of others in a negative light, I have been tearing myself to pieces, morning to night. Everything in me has been crying out for affirmation from those around me, and yet I isolate myself because I don't want to drag my closest brothers and sisters in Christ down. I have doubted every ability I have to beautify my inside. I desperately wanted to hear of my value in Christ, but I heard Satan listing the reasons I am cheapened. I wanted to radiate the beauty of Christ more than ever, more than anything....but I ached with the weight of guilt caused by the battle within me, and found myself feeling burdened and helpless inside. I have been so weak. The Bible says that when we are weak, it is then that we are strong. Even in the darkness I have felt, the light of this truth has been peeking through. As these dark few weeks come to an end, I am finding that I am thankful for the battle that took place, rather than feeling guilty. If it wasn't a battle, I would have lost. But because it was a battle, I know that God is on my side! Even when lies felt so consuming, the peace of truth whispered around my heart. Even when hopelessness was being danced in front of me, I could feel the pull of a greater dance, a greater Dancer! And even in the times when I would have been willing to take up the labels of everything but beautiful, the power of Christ in my being held tight to the label HE has given me: Beautiful...Redeemed...Cherished...Fought For....LOVED. I look back at where I have been for the last 3 weeks, and the one thing that is traceable is the hand of a mighty God. The stench of darkness is overcome by the intoxicating fragrance of a Father's love and His willingness to fight for and claim His daughter. I was reminded again and again that it is not I who ultimately beautifies my inward being...it is He. Beautifying my inside does not simply come from the minutes I count on the clock as I read my Bible each day. It comes from the flame of the refining fire, from the victory of battles won in Christ alone, and the sweetness of being a woman who is held so closely to the heart of the One True God. I commit to spending more time beautifying my inside than outside each day. This task becomes a lifestyle as I realize that every moment is a chance to soak the beauty of Christ into my own heart, whether through time in His word, through embracing the least of these, or perhaps becoming a warrior in a battle I am destined to win. Beauty doesn't have to come through a process that is dainty and breakable...it might just come from the strength found in midst of a raging battle.

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