Enough

Life's gone on. I get up in the morning. I greet my students with a smile. I laugh at jokes, grin at strangers, and work through the checklist of my day. When a thought of you slips into my mind, I shove it away so those around me don't have to endure the discomfort of my grief-stricken reality.

Another day has come and gone...I made it. But the day is not done yet. My head hits the pillow and I dread what I know is coming. Maybe tonight I can fall asleep fast enough....but I can't. Instead, I remember you. The thoughts of you I have pushed back all day gush into my mind like a wave that steals my breath in both pain and beauty. I know you died...I've known it all day. But now I remember.

I remember that I will never embrace you again. I remember that I will never again hear your laugh, tease you back, or share my heart with you. I remember that there will be an empty seat at my wedding where my big brother should be. I remember that my children will never know their Uncle Ben. I remember the pain that takes my breath away, twists my stomach, and gives me an instant throbbing headache.

I pray...I plead with God to give me strength. I ask Him to give me one person the next day who will mention you and acknowledge the storm ravaging my heart. I ask Him for joy, for peace, and for perspective. I thank Him for you. I tell Him all I need for tomorrow is enough. Just enough.

I am empty. I am short-tempered, sad, and lonely. I am tired, weary, and worn. I am weak, wounded, and devastated. But my Father...He is hope. He is healing, blessing, and grace. He is love, compassion and beauty. I am loved...I am redeemed...I am held. I am His...and He is enough.