A Magnified Heart

The purpose of trials is something I often reflect upon. When I think of what my life has been so far, I would say that the majority of it has been filled with different kinds of pain, heartbreak, and troubles, as we could all probably say about our lives in one way or another. However, for many years, I didn't really understand the purpose in my life of all this. Sometimes, I thought that since we are supposed to rejoice in trials, I would just not let anyone see my sorrow. I would cry when I was alone, but put on a happy face followed by a chipper, "I'm fine!" anytime I was forced to be away from the safety of my aloneness. There was no happiness or peace in my heart, but I just knew I had to fake to please God. How wrong I was. In the last couple years, this attitude faded away as I found myself being truly fulfilled for the first time. I didn't have to fake...I truly did feel joy and peace in painful circumstances. It was during the pain that I felt God like never before. He was so near and His word was more alive to me than ever. It was by no means easy or painless, but I felt so much hope. I knew that these trials were being used to grow me and bring me to my Father's throne room, and ultimately, heart. As I listened to music about hope and His love and faithfulness, I could belt them out and believe every word like never before. Standing in the rain with a broken heart was 10 times more refreshing than it was when I was standing there because life was perfect. Honestly, my joy increased as the pain did. And, on those rare occasions when life seemed pretty easy, I would feel a teeny little thought float to the front of my brain: "I have had so many trials in my life, I am surely done now...at least for a while." That thought had been allowed to dawdle around in my head the last several months as I came to college and found myself in a Christian community like I had never known before. My burdens seemed so far and I just felt safe--safe from the prospect of heartbreak in the near future. I told myself to be ready, to "prepare my mind for action" as we are told in the Bible to do. Yet...I just didn't want to "cloud my mind" with that. Life was so good and I wasn't ready to give that up. One of my hugest mistakes was that I was calling life good because it seemed easy. The last month, my world seemed to crumble. For the first time in my life, I truly had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I've had to have faith before, but never like this. I have spent several days just being numb. For a while, I couldn't even pray. God was still so near, but I couldn't speak to Him. I had no words to say what I was feeling and thinking. I couldn't explain to my friends and mentors what was happening inside me. I have felt lonely, I have felt betrayed, and I have felt utterly broken. The last few days, I can't stop thinking of trials as a giant magnifying glass over the heart. If there is bitterness or distance from God there, it will be made much bigger and more clear. However, if there is an extreme love for Jesus and desire for His glory, that is what will be made huge in the storms of life. Also, our trials magnify God. His love and faithfulness will seem so much greater as our hearts ache. Trials are going to magnify whatever happens to be in our hearts at the time. This has made me want to fill my heart with Him more than ever. I don't know when trials will come...they catch me off guard. Just when I had gotten comfortable, my world was rocked. When these unexpected events come, I want that magnifying glass to lay over a heart brimming with a love for Jesus and a faith in His sovereignty. I will admit that it has been a strange sensation trusting that God is directing whatever tomorrow will bring, but also knowing that the worst that could happen is no longer a "what if." I have come to realize that perhaps faith is not trusting that the worst will not happen, but knowing that if it does, God is still victorious. What God's victory will be is not something that we determine. We are human and unable to fully see the unflawed picture of our King's plans for glory. And maybe...just maybe, it isn't always about having the words to pray, but instead being still and listening. It is in the quietness that we find God. He knows my heart before I speak it. He knows my most inner being better than I do. God doesn't always require that I explain to Him what I need and feel. He already knows. This heartache is not easy, was not expected, and is far from being over. But I feel my burden melt away each time I hear and see my Savior's gentle reminders. The greatest reminder of all is that He is not finished with me yet, but is instead choosing to glorify Himself through me. The process of creating something beautiful is not pain-free and neat. However, my soul sings "It Is Well" all the more as I rest as silver being refined in the hands of my Maker, my First Love.

"You never know how God can use a broken life to save a broken soul."

~Ginger Millermon~