My "First" Easter

Wow. This has been such an incredible week with my Savior! I feel like He has taken me back to one of the most basic basics of my faith--one I seem to have missed for the past 17 years. Every Easter since I have known my Lord, I have spend the week beforehand trying to prepare my heart. I have always been overwhelmed by Christ's willingness to go to the cross, forgive my sin, and purify me with His blood. I have struggled with wondering why He wants me, but I have always been so consumed with gratefulness because He does. However, something has always been missing for me when Easter rolls around each year. I have never shared it because I have been ashamed and just felt overall weird about it. When I would think of the suffering Jesus endured, I would realize that it could not have been pleasant. (to say the LEAST!) I know *I* wouldn't want to be beaten and crucified! For years, I have been told that I need to realize the suffering Christ endured for me. I tried and tried but often came to the same conclusion: there are Christians around the world today who are tortured--even crucified! Many, many people have endured at least the amount of physical suffering Jesus did. So, then I decided that it was a bigger deal for Jesus because He was perfect--the other people had been sinners. Jesus chose to suffer for me, even though he was perfect. As you can see, I have struggled for many years to realize the significance of the cross. I have never been ungrateful or thought that Christ did not suffer. I just knew there had to be more. On Thursday night, my pastor helped turn on the light bulb for me. At the Maundy Thursday Service, he preached on the fact that the Father had forsaken His Son. I knew that Jesus had said, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?", but I thought He must have just felt that way. On Thursday, our pastor explained that God could not have shown Jesus mercy and judged Him for our sin at the same time. God had to turn His back on His perfect son. Jesus was truly alone--separated from God. Somehow, through the years, I missed the point that Jesus endured hell for me! Hell is separation from God. When I realized that this was indeed what my Savior had endured for me, I was broken inside. Suddenly, it was so much bigger, so much more significant that it had ever been before! We tend to focus on the huge nails that were driven into His hands, the spear in His side, the horror of dying on the cross. While these things are very important to ponder and realize the atrocity of, the real horror is separation from God. Jesus could not have suffered more. Yet, He was victorious! He is risen! Without the suffering of Christ and the rising of Him from the grave, there would be no hope. Wow. The beauty of it all is so overwhelming. :) After all this realization, I feel like I am truly celebrating Easter for the first time. This morning, I went to the lake to watch the sun rise and celebrate the risen Son. Although I struggle with feelings of unworthiness, I am unspeakably grateful to the One who suffered it all so that I may be rescued from an eternity in hell. Thank you, Lord! Thank you!